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macmanmike6100 · 04-24-2006, 02:26 AM

THANK YOU ALL for such great responses. What I particularly liked was the gamut of advice. I really appreciate it.

Many of you (rightfully) brought up the "reward" thing. It was a purely emotional, almost knee-jerk response; wholly unjustified and immediately regretted. It was indeed condescending, and I did wonder why I felt the urge to act like a father.

And really, it came from the fact that I was selfish in the moment. This whole MCAT thing has been a journey for us together...I became very tied up with it because I was supporting her the whole way. To hear her calmly suggest her utter failure metaphorically broke my back.

A friend of mine said it best, though: You've been supporting her so well along the way, why couldn't you do that one more time? And worse, I realized that it wasn't just the idea of "one more time" but that this is when she needed me the most, to support her <i>despite</i> a potential failure, for which many of you noted she's very much beating herself up about already.

I was selfish in indirectly lowering her self-esteem, because my comments really came from feeling personally injured: I "invested" something in her over all of these months, and here she goes throwing it away.

BUT that's exactly the wrong attitude because, in reality, I was investing in the relationship and if I can't handle supporting somebody who, admittedly, has a lot of test-related anxiety, I should allow her to find somebody who can handle it.

I've already made up with her and (hopefully) I can use this to learn to be more sensitive at the right times. It would've been far more appropriate if we had a heart-to-heart about why she didn't perform well when both of us are on a more even keel (plus, she hasn't even received the score yet, so who knows?).

Anyway, thanks again to everybody; I really appreciate your comments.

04-24-2006, 02:26 AM	#12 (permalink)
macmanmike6100 High Honorary Junkie Location: Tri-state.	THANK YOU ALL for such great responses. What I particularly liked was the gamut of advice. I really appreciate it. Many of you (rightfully) brought up the "reward" thing. It was a purely emotional, almost knee-jerk response; wholly unjustified and immediately regretted. It was indeed condescending, and I did wonder why I felt the urge to act like a father. And really, it came from the fact that I was selfish in the moment. This whole MCAT thing has been a journey for us together...I became very tied up with it because I was supporting her the whole way. To hear her calmly suggest her utter failure metaphorically broke my back. A friend of mine said it best, though: You've been supporting her so well along the way, why couldn't you do that one more time? And worse, I realized that it wasn't just the idea of "one more time" but that this is when she needed me the most, to support her <i>despite</i> a potential failure, for which many of you noted she's very much beating herself up about already. I was selfish in indirectly lowering her self-esteem, because my comments really came from feeling personally injured: I "invested" something in her over all of these months, and here she goes throwing it away. BUT that's exactly the wrong attitude because, in reality, I was investing in the relationship and if I can't handle supporting somebody who, admittedly, has a lot of test-related anxiety, I should allow her to find somebody who can handle it. I've already made up with her and (hopefully) I can use this to learn to be more sensitive at the right times. It would've been far more appropriate if we had a heart-to-heart about why she didn't perform well when both of us are on a more even keel (plus, she hasn't even received the score yet, so who knows?). Anyway, thanks again to everybody; I really appreciate your comments.