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lurkette · 04-18-2006, 07:59 PM

Um, it seems pretty clear that if she was molested as a child and this started when she revisited the place where it happened...it's not too hard to connect the dots.

First, you need to back off. I know it's difficult to put your sexual needs on hold, but you're dealing with a very complicated and deep-seated issue, and pushing her is only going to make things worse. As hard as it is to not take it personally, just know that she isn't rejecting you - she's doing what she feels she needs to do to protect herself emotionally from whatever negative associations with sex the visit to her home has brought up. It's not about you.

Second, she needs to go to counseling to deal with the molestation issue. Even if it was "handled" before, clearly something has come up that made something resurface for her. It's possible that she can't even articulate it, and maybe isn't even consciously aware of it, given that she hasn't brought it up.

Third, it would probably be a good idea for you to go to counseling as well, either with her, or by yourself, or both, to learn how to deal with her issues in a productive and positive and caring way, and also to take care of yourself while making sure she is okay. This can put a serious strain on a relationship and it would be good for you to have someone to talk to about it.

And lastly, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It's difficult to know that someone you love is in pain, and yet be concerned about your own wants and needs. Just know that you're normal, and don't feel guilty; but know that it is going to take some work and all the compassion and patience you can bring to your marriage to get her through this. Hang in there!

04-18-2006, 07:59 PM	#28 (permalink)
lurkette My future is coming on Moderator Emeritus Location: east of the sun and west of the moon	Um, it seems pretty clear that if she was molested as a child and this started when she revisited the place where it happened...it's not too hard to connect the dots. First, you need to back off. I know it's difficult to put your sexual needs on hold, but you're dealing with a very complicated and deep-seated issue, and pushing her is only going to make things worse. As hard as it is to not take it personally, just know that she isn't rejecting you - she's doing what she feels she needs to do to protect herself emotionally from whatever negative associations with sex the visit to her home has brought up. It's not about you. Second, she needs to go to counseling to deal with the molestation issue. Even if it was "handled" before, clearly something has come up that made something resurface for her. It's possible that she can't even articulate it, and maybe isn't even consciously aware of it, given that she hasn't brought it up. Third, it would probably be a good idea for you to go to counseling as well, either with her, or by yourself, or both, to learn how to deal with her issues in a productive and positive and caring way, and also to take care of yourself while making sure she is okay. This can put a serious strain on a relationship and it would be good for you to have someone to talk to about it. And lastly, I am so sorry you are experiencing this. It's difficult to know that someone you love is in pain, and yet be concerned about your own wants and needs. Just know that you're normal, and don't feel guilty; but know that it is going to take some work and all the compassion and patience you can bring to your marriage to get her through this. Hang in there! __________________ "If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing." - Anatole France Last edited by lurkette; 04-18-2006 at 08:03 PM..