[QUOTE=The_Jazz]OK, first and foremost, she quite obviously broke the law and needs to accept responsibility for her actions and her punishment. Given that she's 15 that's not likely, regardless of her other issues. Don't get caught in the blame game. Your brother and his wife are not responsible for your neice stealing a car - your neice is. There's also the issue of underage drinking. From what you know of the events, it sounds like she got loaded at home and then snuck out.
That said, it sounds like this kid is in desparate need of a friend or two. If she's constantly grounded, it would just make it harder for her to reach out to her peers. If you know anyone who goes to school with her, could you reach out to them on the sly and see what the consensus about her is?
Assuming that she's going to be coming home (the new home that is), maybe you can voice your concerns with her mother and offer to help in any way that the parents see fit. That way you leave their authority in place and hopefully provide some sort of conduit for the kid. Can she be convinced to go out for some sort of team or group activity (although it is a little late in the school year for that).
Therapy is probably not a bad idea, and hopefully the court will figure that out.[QUOTE]
While I don't blame her stepfather and mother directly for it, I do think that they are the underlying cause of her lashing out, in whatever way that may be.
Additionally, I find it absolutely ridiculous that they don't know that their 15 year old daughter is getting hammered while at home. Had this been a one time event, I would understand, but we looked in the liquor cabinet and there is probably three or four bottles of liquor that were nearly empty. If they never really drank or whatever, I would understand, but my step-brother goes into the cabinet quite often to get his drink of choice.
Because so much is missing, I imagine she has been doing it for quite some time, and perhaps I am being unfair by saying they should have noticed, but a vast amount of alchohol is gone, and I find it nearly impossible that there were never any signs...
I agree with you wholeheartedly that what she likely needs is a friend or two. I can't even imagine how difficult it must be for her to be thousands of miles away from all your old friends, and not really allowed to make new ones.
I will see what I can do to find out what her classmates see her like, but she seems rather sociable, so providing she had the opportunity, I would imagine she would be able to make friends just fine. However, I also imagine that it is incredibly difficult to make friends in the few minutes she has in between classes - she gets dropped off at school and picked up immediately afterward.
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Originally Posted by robbdn
have a different perspective on this one... the answer here is not one of improving discipline, or rules, or knowing better. This is a child that is not getting the love supplies she needs at home, and is instead turning to drinking and crime. Unless she gets the love that she needs, it's just going to continue. Nothing else is very important here.
Her parents, who live with your father, do not sound like they are in a position to provide the love supplies that she needs. Perhaps you are, and for trying, you would have no share of her guilt or blame. Perhaps her short-sighted parents will try and blame you for things, but it's really just ridiculous, because she makes her own choices, not you. For trying to love her and defend her, you assume none of that blame. She is reaching out to you, you have a real chance to help her turn her life around. Throwing it away with the justification that you're not the parent is not responsible, it's the same sort of moral blunder that millioins of Americans make every day that allows things like domestic violence and sexual abuse become as prevalent as they are. Get involved, love your family, and whatever line-item actions you take in the course of loving your family, you have no need to feel bad about, even if things end up disastrously.
For what it's worth, let her know you don't approve, but that's not the important thing here. What's important is showing her that you love her, unconditionally. It will not magically fix her, it will not make her suddenly realize the errors of her ways, but she will have a support structure to back her up when she decides it's time to change, and she will feel self-worth for being loved. Until that time comes, let the law and her parents deal with her as they see fit, but don't ever stop being involved and caring for her, no matter what, even if it means being a bit subvertive to the authority figures in her life. If she's not getting love from them, the love from you will go a long way. That is what family is supposed to be all about, after all. Nobody has a right to stop you from having honest, open communication with the people you love, and nobody has the right to tell you not to care about somebody who obviously needs your care and concern.
Again, there's no one specific thing you can do or say in this situation. There is no way that you can "fix" it, and it would only end up hurting you if you tried. Let each of them who is involved deal with that. All you need to do is care, no matter what, and things will work themselves out from there.
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This is exactly what I was hoping the response would be. I understand that I am not her parent, nor do I agree with many of her decisions. However, I think it is important for her to realize that I will be there and love her unconditionally.
I don't think that additional discipline will help her realize her errors and correct them. It's hard to punish a child who has pretty much everything taken away from her already. Grounding, Not being able to talk on the phone, not being able to go out with friends, etc, is such the norm that I don't think she thinks of it as punishment anymore, just the way things are and always will be.
I'd talk to my sister in law and half brother, but neither of them will listen. Both of them get incredibly defensive when it comes to talking about their parenting style, and automatically dismiss everything I say because I'm not a parent myself, telling me that I'll look at things differently when I am. I can't disagree with that, because I certainly may, but I was in their child's position not long ago - I'm not as removed from the situation as they think.
To be completely honest, although they have children, I almost feel more like an adult than they are. Granted, they are older than I and are parents, but I have a stable job, am engaged, own a home, (and don't live with my father) and have had quite a bit of life experience when it comes to matters regarding kids. I pay my bills on time, save for the future and my retirement, and have money put away for my childrens education, who probably won't even be concieved for several years.
It just seems ridiculous that someone in their position can so completely and utterly discount my opinions on the subject....