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Tilted Cat Head
Administrator
Location: Manhattan, NY
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Quote:
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Originally Posted by Gonth
lol, I'm really not getting this accross the way I wanted to. Maybe third times the charm. And sorry to abaya, I feel like I'm turning this thread into something you weren't after. but here goes again.
Tying the emotions together does happen. If you care about someone, you want them to be happy and healthy, and if they are not, it affects you. If they are sick, it occupies your thoughts. If they are unhappy, you want to do something to make them happy.
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What you are describing is text book codependent behavior, " control through people pleasing, being a chameleon, wearing a mask, dancing to other people's tunes" all equalling making the other individual happy.
Now mind you I don't want my wife to be miserable and yes, if she's miserable I will not be happy, but I will not be miserable also. No, she's completely detached from my wellbeing. I will be concerned for her, but my happiness cannot be tied to hers lest I lose my own independent self.
In the past I have done what you are saying, I'm still paying the price to this very day for it because somewhere somehow I wonder if this woman that I tied my happiness to is happy or not. Note, this woman isn't my wife, but it's someone that I became quite codependent on via the exact mannerisms and mechanisms you are describing.
My suggestion is that you be your own self 100%. In my experience once I've done that all my relationships from my parents to my wife have all become more positive, respectful, and healthier.
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