maleficent

I don't think there's anyone on the planet, well at least on TFP more cynical about love than I am... however...

I'm not sure a 'habit' is the right word to describe what's needed in a relationship. It's a habit to leave the toilet seat down, or not to leave dishes in the sink, it shouldn't be a habit to ask your partner about their day, or to show concern for them. I bite my nails, that's a habit, I've done it my entire life, I'm not sure I'd want to equate showing care and concern for another person with biting my nails.

If you know your partner likes receiving flowers, and it makes that person happy. As a partner, you want to make that person happy, so you send them flowers. If you do it so often that it becomes a habit, it's really no longer a suprise or unexpected and it makes it a bit of a chore... I would rather be surprised with flowers for no reason that to know that the third Wednesday of every month I'm going to get flowers... (but that's just me-- a habit takes the thought and spontaneity out of something)

Relationships require communication. Communication requires work. Both require both parties being honest with their feelings in a non hurtful way(whcihis probably why i suck so badly at relationships) It's about sharing and most of all -- listening... One of my cliched phrases, is that we have two ears, one mouth, we shoudl listen twice as often as we talk.. and 99 percent of the population talks twice as much as they listen...

My parents, as much as they drive me crazy, have been married 45 years... there is no doubt in my mind that they love each other... and are still in love with each other... My father is not the most patient of people, especially not where his headstrong daughter was concerned, but my mother is getting on in years (as is he) with failing health, and I see how he treats her - and it honestly surprises me --that he shows such patience, and compassion and love. He takes care of her, not out of a sense of obligation or habit or duty... but because he loves her...

How do they maintain this relationship? In early years, it wasn't easy - my dad would go out of the country on business for weeks at a time... I inheritied my workaholic tendencies from him... Mom was left working, managing the house, and raising three children (one of them me, which was no easy task) basically as a single parent before it was fashionable to do so... Dad would call in every night, and they'd talk... Later in years when he stopped travelling, but still worked himself to death... they would always have dinner together (put the kids to bed, and have a late dinner) they talked... Mom talked about how his working late made her feel but never asked him to stop... (it was more fun to nag me, than nag him)

They take vacations every year, and enjoy being with each other.. which is very cool... I look at my sister and her husband... my sister doesn't work... her husband puts in long hours.. and my sister nags... Her husband has grown on me, in that I think he's good man and provides for his family... but if I were him I'd bitchslap my sister into next week for the nagging... Her family also takes vacations.. as a family.. She and her husband never do anything without the children... (I doubt they will divorce because she just wont - but they do not have a good relationship - and it's not a relationship taht I think is healthy for children...

I'm way too long winded...

To make a relationship work -- not a habit necessarily but a willingness on both parties to work... to want to make the relationship work. to want to spend time with each other. To say how you feel in a non confrontational way (guilting the other person is never good) and the commitment to spend time with each other away from distractions and talk.

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