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BigBen · 03-29-2006, 01:47 PM

Uh, Charlie, please tell me that there was a scientific purpose for the junk pictures, and you didn't actually get worked over by a molesting dermatologist...

My story:

I have a good buddy Simon. Simon went to the University of Manitoba, located in Winnipeg. For those in the know, back me up a bit here : Winnipeg is a fucking cold place in the Winter. Fellow Canucks actually say "Holy Fuck it's cold out there" when we travel to Winnipeg.

Simon was a starving student, and saw a poster in the commons offering $100 bucks an HOUR to participate in medical research. You had to be physically fit, and the medical exam and health questionaire got you $100 for just applying! Holy shit.

Simon shows up, fills out the paperwork and gets naked. The doc comes in and gives him a thorough exam. "You are an excellent candidate."

"What is the research, doc?" Simon said, wondering if he was going to be shot out of a cannon or play chess with a super smart monkey.

"Hypothermia research."

"Ouch. Yeah, what the fuck, I need the money."

And so it went. He spent 8 hours on a Friday getting dunked in freezing water, then pulled out and warmed up.

The first trial was a baseline trial. You sit in an ice bath until you start to shake violently (stage 2 hypothermia, btw). They take you out, towel you off, and let you sit naked in a room at room temperature. He had thermometers all over his body, one down his throat and one up his ass. It took about 10 minutes for him to get fucked up in the "Chamber-O-Shivers", and about 45 minutes for him to warm up again. There were all kinds of machines, staff running back and forth, all different stuff.

Then back into the ice bath, stage 2, and this time he got a blanket!
Then back into the ice bath, stage 2, and now he got a fan with warm air blown on him!
Then back in the ice bath, stage 2, and now he got a heated arm thingy, so the heat started at the extremities.
And so on, so forth.

At the end of the day, they paid him in cash ($800 bucks, two months rent!) and thanked him for all of his hard work. He walked home without a coat on. It was the middle of January. "I just didn't feel cold any more..." was his reply when his roommate screamed at him.

Then a funny thing happened... The research team called back.

It seems that he was the only person to ever get through all day. Others quit after only a couple of hours, and with Simon going through all of the tests gave very valuable data to the physiology project. The team lead (a PhD post-doc, I find out later) phoned some colleagues in Europe and the U.S., and told them about Simon. His international counterparts would like to do some tests as well. Is Simon interested in further research?

Simon said "Still $100 bucks an hour?"

Yes, the team lead said.

Simon said "I want to watch movies this time. Can you set up a TV and VCR for me to watch?"

We can arrange that, the researcher replied.

"When do we start?"

So over the next 3 months, he spent his Fridays with electrodes all over him, up his ass and down his throat, freezing his balls off and watching movies.

The last set of tests he was in, the team asked if he would be willing to go to stage 3 hypothermia. Yeah, you read that right. Almost dead. Well, not quite. The researcher would administer opiates into the system once stage 2 hypothermia occurred, and his breathing and heartrate would slow down, and he would stop shivering. This would simulate stage 3, but if anything bad happened, they just shoot Narcan into him to get him out of it. All very safe, all very scientific.

Simon said "Still $100 bucks an hour?"

Yes, came the reply.

So here he was, drugged and sitting in a bathtub full of ice, little beeping machines all around him, and he got $100 bucks an hour. Tax free. Cash. Anonymous under the table.

He was buying the drinks, and living the high life. He paid his student loans off, and got a really expensive set of downhill skis. We were all jealous.

And he got a really cool plaque with a picture of a Polar Bear with ice on his nose. It was signed by the researchers involved. He found out later that he made the New England and British Journals of Medicine. Big deal, I suppose.

And he rarely wears a jacket in the winter. All these years later. "I just don't feel the cold." People look at him like he is nuts.

Which he is, of course.

03-29-2006, 01:47 PM	#13 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	Uh, Charlie, please tell me that there was a scientific purpose for the junk pictures, and you didn't actually get worked over by a molesting dermatologist... My story: I have a good buddy Simon. Simon went to the University of Manitoba, located in Winnipeg. For those in the know, back me up a bit here : Winnipeg is a fucking cold place in the Winter. Fellow Canucks actually say "Holy Fuck it's cold out there" when we travel to Winnipeg. Simon was a starving student, and saw a poster in the commons offering $100 bucks an HOUR to participate in medical research. You had to be physically fit, and the medical exam and health questionaire got you $100 for just applying! Holy shit. Simon shows up, fills out the paperwork and gets naked. The doc comes in and gives him a thorough exam. "You are an excellent candidate." "What is the research, doc?" Simon said, wondering if he was going to be shot out of a cannon or play chess with a super smart monkey. "Hypothermia research." "Ouch. Yeah, what the fuck, I need the money." And so it went. He spent 8 hours on a Friday getting dunked in freezing water, then pulled out and warmed up. The first trial was a baseline trial. You sit in an ice bath until you start to shake violently (stage 2 hypothermia, btw). They take you out, towel you off, and let you sit naked in a room at room temperature. He had thermometers all over his body, one down his throat and one up his ass. It took about 10 minutes for him to get fucked up in the "Chamber-O-Shivers", and about 45 minutes for him to warm up again. There were all kinds of machines, staff running back and forth, all different stuff. Then back into the ice bath, stage 2, and this time he got a blanket! Then back into the ice bath, stage 2, and now he got a fan with warm air blown on him! Then back in the ice bath, stage 2, and now he got a heated arm thingy, so the heat started at the extremities. And so on, so forth. At the end of the day, they paid him in cash ($800 bucks, two months rent!) and thanked him for all of his hard work. He walked home without a coat on. It was the middle of January. "I just didn't feel cold any more..." was his reply when his roommate screamed at him. Then a funny thing happened... The research team called back. It seems that he was the only person to ever get through all day. Others quit after only a couple of hours, and with Simon going through all of the tests gave very valuable data to the physiology project. The team lead (a PhD post-doc, I find out later) phoned some colleagues in Europe and the U.S., and told them about Simon. His international counterparts would like to do some tests as well. Is Simon interested in further research? Simon said "Still $100 bucks an hour?" Yes, the team lead said. Simon said "I want to watch movies this time. Can you set up a TV and VCR for me to watch?" We can arrange that, the researcher replied. "When do we start?" So over the next 3 months, he spent his Fridays with electrodes all over him, up his ass and down his throat, freezing his balls off and watching movies. The last set of tests he was in, the team asked if he would be willing to go to stage 3 hypothermia. Yeah, you read that right. Almost dead. Well, not quite. The researcher would administer opiates into the system once stage 2 hypothermia occurred, and his breathing and heartrate would slow down, and he would stop shivering. This would simulate stage 3, but if anything bad happened, they just shoot Narcan into him to get him out of it. All very safe, all very scientific. Simon said "Still $100 bucks an hour?" Yes, came the reply. So here he was, drugged and sitting in a bathtub full of ice, little beeping machines all around him, and he got $100 bucks an hour. Tax free. Cash. Anonymous under the table. He was buying the drinks, and living the high life. He paid his student loans off, and got a really expensive set of downhill skis. We were all jealous. And he got a really cool plaque with a picture of a Polar Bear with ice on his nose. It was signed by the researchers involved. He found out later that he made the New England and British Journals of Medicine. Big deal, I suppose. And he rarely wears a jacket in the winter. All these years later. "I just don't feel the cold." People look at him like he is nuts. Which he is, of course. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.