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BigBen · 03-29-2006, 01:19 PM

My good friend went to a farmer's market and bought 10 habanero peppers for a dollar. The local farmers grow them for the city yuppies (like me and my buddy, I guess).

"What in the fuck are you going to do with 10 habanero peppers? You are a total spice pansy anyway!"

"I dunno. It was a good deal, and I could probably use them with my pickling spices..."

Ben Replies: "Dude, give me one."

And the hand-off occurs.

What to do with a fresh habanero? I finally decided to roast it on the barbeque. The pepper was barely big enough not to fall through the grates, and I was grilling jack fish in foil and butter, with a tiny bit of lemon pepper. I had seen chefs on TV roast peppers before, and they said that it released all of the flavour. Good idea!

When the skin got brown, I took the little yellowish orange pepper off of the grill... it was about the size of a gumball.

I put it into a small bowl, and set it on the counter. I took the fish off the grill, and peeled the foil back. Perfectly done. I turned my attention to the pepper. If I smooshed it up into a paste, and then touched my fork to the paste, that would probably be about right. You don't want to swallow this thing whole, after all.

I took a fork, and peeled the skin off of the habanero. The skin came off easily. I smooshed the pepper with the fork, and leaned over to smell it. It didn't smell like anything. I took the fork and held it to my nose. Nothing. 'Shouldn't I smell something?' I thought.

I took the fork and touched my tounge. There was just a little bit of the chili paste on the tines anyway.

POW!

everything exploded into a world of pain. I couldn't breathe, my eyes forced themselves shut, I collapsed onto the floor. I wanted to vomit, but my stomach was empty. The burning was so bad, I was rendered helpless. Oh, sweet merciful jesus, the pain.

A voice said "Are you okay?" I shook my head. I was about as far from okay as I had been in my life. Okay was a peaceful bliss compared to this. Oh, the burning. Actual fire cannot possibly be this bad. I wonder if I swallowed fire, would it make this pain go away?

The voice said "Do you need an ambulance?" I nodded my head. I was obviously in medical trouble, of that I was sure. The body needs oxygen, and in order to get that it needs to breathe, the act of respiration. I hadn't taken a breath since this ordeal started. It must have been weeks ago. How long had I been in this pain?

The voice said "Here, take some icecream in your mouth." I opened my mouth, and the pain subsided a little bit. It was only searing pain now. I could breathe. I could also cough, which I did profusely. The voice was my good friend, watching the hockey game in the next room. He came to investigate when I went crashing to the floor. He said that I wasn't screaming or anything. Just went purple and started twitching.

Alas, I have yet to experience the joys of habanero sauce. The counsellor says that the sessions are going well, and I will be upgraded to mild salsa in a few months.

03-29-2006, 01:19 PM	#22 (permalink)
BigBen Comedian Location: Use the search button	My good friend went to a farmer's market and bought 10 habanero peppers for a dollar. The local farmers grow them for the city yuppies (like me and my buddy, I guess). "What in the fuck are you going to do with 10 habanero peppers? You are a total spice pansy anyway!" "I dunno. It was a good deal, and I could probably use them with my pickling spices..." Ben Replies: "Dude, give me one." And the hand-off occurs. What to do with a fresh habanero? I finally decided to roast it on the barbeque. The pepper was barely big enough not to fall through the grates, and I was grilling jack fish in foil and butter, with a tiny bit of lemon pepper. I had seen chefs on TV roast peppers before, and they said that it released all of the flavour. Good idea! When the skin got brown, I took the little yellowish orange pepper off of the grill... it was about the size of a gumball. I put it into a small bowl, and set it on the counter. I took the fish off the grill, and peeled the foil back. Perfectly done. I turned my attention to the pepper. If I smooshed it up into a paste, and then touched my fork to the paste, that would probably be about right. You don't want to swallow this thing whole, after all. I took a fork, and peeled the skin off of the habanero. The skin came off easily. I smooshed the pepper with the fork, and leaned over to smell it. It didn't smell like anything. I took the fork and held it to my nose. Nothing. 'Shouldn't I smell something?' I thought. I took the fork and touched my tounge. There was just a little bit of the chili paste on the tines anyway. POW! everything exploded into a world of pain. I couldn't breathe, my eyes forced themselves shut, I collapsed onto the floor. I wanted to vomit, but my stomach was empty. The burning was so bad, I was rendered helpless. Oh, sweet merciful jesus, the pain. A voice said "Are you okay?" I shook my head. I was about as far from okay as I had been in my life. Okay was a peaceful bliss compared to this. Oh, the burning. Actual fire cannot possibly be this bad. I wonder if I swallowed fire, would it make this pain go away? The voice said "Do you need an ambulance?" I nodded my head. I was obviously in medical trouble, of that I was sure. The body needs oxygen, and in order to get that it needs to breathe, the act of respiration. I hadn't taken a breath since this ordeal started. It must have been weeks ago. How long had I been in this pain? The voice said "Here, take some icecream in your mouth." I opened my mouth, and the pain subsided a little bit. It was only searing pain now. I could breathe. I could also cough, which I did profusely. The voice was my good friend, watching the hockey game in the next room. He came to investigate when I went crashing to the floor. He said that I wasn't screaming or anything. Just went purple and started twitching. Alas, I have yet to experience the joys of habanero sauce. The counsellor says that the sessions are going well, and I will be upgraded to mild salsa in a few months. __________________ 3.141592654 Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.