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True Story:
Going on a week-long exercise in the cold, frigid winter is never fun. One must be assured that the proper supplies are brought, for there is no store to go to when you run out.
I was tasked with ensuring the proper working order of a 5-man toboggan tent group. This includes fuel, stove/lantern, tent, tools, and TOILET PAPER.
I said to Jones (not his/her real name) "Did you pack the shit paper?"
Jones: "Oh, sure thing, boss..."
Ben: "I can feel a big one brewing, and I will say it again: You sure we have enough Ass-wipe?"
Jones: "Yep, packed it myself. We got plenty..."
Ben: "Good work, Jones."
Fade to white, pan over to see five people pulling a toboggan;
Ben: "Lets stop here for lunch. I gotta take a shit. Jones, bring me the toilet paper."
Jones:...
Ben: "Hurry up, man, I don't have all day!"
Jones:....
Ben: "WHERE THE FUCK IS THE TOILET PAPER, JONES?!!"
Jones: "It was here a second ago..."
Ben: "You get down on your face right now. If I have to wipe my ass with a fucking pine cone, you are going to serenade me with the beautiful music of counting-off pushups!!"
Jones: "One, Two, Three, Four, Five..."
Fade to white, show Ben tearing the sleeve of his undershirt off while cursing.
Fin
Oh, and other my buddy carried TP with him on patrol. If you had to go, all you had to do was ask nicely and he would help you out. He kept a small bottle of baby powder in the middle of the tube (for packing and convenience sake) and the baby powder accidentally exploded. He had it all wrapped up in a plastic ziplock bag (to keep things dry) and the TP was now coated with baby powder.
It was pure heaven, and he ended up selling it to us, because demand was outstripping supply. He ended up putting a bottle's worth of baby powder in every roll he took out from then on. There is nothing better for morale, except cold beer on a hot day. I assure you, I am speaking from experience.
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Hey, if you are impressed with my memorizing pi to 10 digits, you should see the size of my penis.
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