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Originally Posted by Supple Cow
Has anybody here who is in a polyamorous situation that is primary-secondary in nature thought about evolving into an "all-primary" situation as I've suggested? If so, what keeps you from letting a secondary relationship become primary as well - is it because there is less potential for the closeness/love with the secondary person(s) than there is with the primary person(s), or is it because there is some other kind of practical complication or roadblock such as a pre-existing marriage (or equivalent emotional commitment) with the primary person(s)?
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Currently, I have a primary partner (lurkette), and secondary (D), her husband (S), and a girl I rarely but enthusiastially fool around with who lives in a different state, and her husband. That's the extent of my "poly family", if you will. I include my partners' husbands because they're a really important part of the equation. There are plenty of people that lurkette and I flirt with, are interested in, whatever, but those aren't "relationships". Although the arrangement we have wouldn't at all preclude those becoming relationships.
For a brief time, lurkette and D&S and I were talking about moving in together. There was a big house on the market that had been a duplex, but was converted to one big single-family home. We had this fantasy of moving in there, raising their kid(s) together, being public about our relationship, etc. It was nice to think about, but I'm not sure we were ever really serious about that--lurkette may have been, but I don't think the rest of us were. D & S are both teachers, and it would be very detrimental to their careers for it to be known that they're in a non-traditional relationship. Frankly, living with the two of them would have driven me nuts--I love them, but I really only want to live with lurkette.
There absolutely ARE poly relationships out there that don't include notions of "primary" and "secondary". There are as many different poly configurations as there are poly relationships. Some people don't differentiate between their partners. There are poly people who feel that having the primary/secondary distinction isn't "real" polyamory. So... it's all over the map. There's really no rule. That's the basical deal about poly--it's however you say it is. Once you've broken out of society's handed-down monogamy rules, you have the freedom to create pretty much anything.