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Originally Posted by Gilda
Hmmm. This is what the people trying to help me become more assertive tell me, that I shouldn't care what others think about me. It doesn't make sense to me. If the purpose of being more social is to connect with other people, how can you do that without caring what they think of you? I mean, what would be the point of connecting with people if you don't care about each other? Could that actually be called a connection?
Just questions that hit me. It seems to me that there's no reason to be social if you don't care about other people or what they think of you.
Martian: How does that work? Do you memorize a bunch of good one-liners and then wait for the opportunity to use them? Some of us don't think well on our feet.
Gilda
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I'm going to address all of this.
In terms of not caring what others think, it's true. Basically, the theory is that you should be who you are and not change your behaviour on account of someone else. Those who will associate with you are the ones who are interested in knowing you for who you are and, ultimately, will be better friends to you.
It's not that you don't care about those people. It's more that you're not afraid of them and that you won't contain yourself to please them.
Note that this isn't a universal, though. In most situations there are social customs and rules of etiquette that need to be followed. It is sometimes necessary to modify your behaviour in order to conform to those rules, although the importance of conforming to a given convention is directly related to the importance of the convention itself.
I'd like to use your experience as an example, if you don't mind Gilda. At the party you attended before Christmas, you committed a breach of etiquette by eating the cucumbers set out to clear the palette. This isn't a particularly important custom, therefore there were little or no consequences for breaking. Perhaps some good natured ribbing, but nothing further.
Your hostess later attempted to take your picture, depsite your rather strong objections. That was a serious breach of etiquette and I should imagine cause a few people to think quite poorly of her.
As to the sense of humour, I like to think of a quick wit as a bit like manual dexterity. There is a degree of innate talent involved, but those who don't have it can develop it by practicing or working on it.
By all means, if you hear something that you consider to be a humourous response or observation, make note of it for later use. If you find yourself in a situation where that particular line would be in context, you can make use of it and take some of the work out of the whole thing.
However, part of it is just being able to come up with these things yourself and like anything, that only comes with practice. I developed my own wit by engaging in verbal 'sparring matches' of sorts in high school with friends, teachers, family members and just about anyone else who would be willing to partake of such an activity without taking it seriously. Since then, being able to lighten the mood with a joke or quip has served me well in just about any social situation you could care to think of. It's a display of intelligence and confidence, as well as a way to break tension.
Again, the internet is a wonderful resource for this, because you don't have to be nearly so snappy with it. You can practice the skill in an area where you don't have to worry about making a negative impression (due to the relaxed nature of communication online) and where responses aren't expected to be instantaneous. It's something that I would've dearly loved to have had in high school, but my access to it in those days was rather limited.
I'm sure we've all had those moments where we leave a situation and three hours later we think 'oh, I should've said
that.' Developing that wit is simply a matter of practicing until you're able to come up with that remark three hours earlier.
match000 - Nobody is born quick-witted, although some do have a higher aptitude for it than others. Have you seen six year olds fight? Their rejoinders consist of phrases such as 'doodie-head'. The 'players and socialites', as you deem them, have simply had more practice at it. Although most won't admit it, there was a time when they were every bit as insecure.
I firmly believe that this is a skill that
anyone can develop. Some take to it better than others, just like some naturally take to music or writing or sports better. But that I'm not Michael Jordan doesn't mean I can't play basketball. I may never achieve that level of aptitude and I may have to practice much more, but I can definitely play competently, if I practice. This holds true of anyone.
If all you say in a conversation are one-liners, you're missing the point. You don't have to make everyone laugh with everything you say. Knowing when to apply it is just as important as having it. It's more that a bit of humour can help to smooth rocky territory; if you commit any sort of a blunder, you can use a witty remark to help smooth any ruffled feathers.
Which isn't to say that's the only application. Having a sense of humour makes you fun to be around, which will make people want to be around you more. That's the point of the whole exercise, near as I can tell. The other side is that even the comedic legends aren't funny all the time and you don't have to be either.
Moderation is key in this as anything.
Excuse my rambling. Three hours of english class seems to have destroyed my ability to write coherently.