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Originally Posted by JumpinJesus
Now, I believe that many people confuse insecurity and neediness with love. These people are jealous and possessive in love and are highly unwilling to allow for the fact that we can be attracted to others. In order to validate themselves, these people need constant attention and reassurance that the person with whom they are in love won't leave them for another. They are either unwilling or incapable of allowing for the notion that we can develop feelings for more than one person at a time as it calls into question their sense of security and emotional safety. It is easier to deny what is most likely biological wiring than to confront personal issues that may be painful to address. These people are the ones who snoop and spy on their partners, looking for any indication that something is amiss. They live in constant fear of losing what they have and therefore never enjoy what they have. This is not love.
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Indeed, this was a motivation for this discussion. It seems as though many people have a view of love as "blissful ownership," as
ubertuber refers to it. I'm always astonished, for example, when I read posts or hear comments by people (almost always the female in a relationship) who seem to think that when they are in a committed relationship their partner won't be interested in pornography. As if the partner stops being attracted to other people all of a sudden simply because he is primarily associating with one. Similarly, there's the stereotype of the wife who gets upset at her husband looking at an attractive women as she passes by. And this is only with regards to physical attraction!
When emotional bonds enter the picture, it seems as though all bets are off. Often, there are posts in Tilted Sexuality, by men and women alike, about a partner who seems too close to a friend of the opposite sex. In these cases, not only is the partner apparently incapable of sharing LOVE, but the partner is incapable of sharing ANY closeness with the opposite sex.
Considering how many people hold the aforementioned views about loving relationships, I suppose it's no surprise that it does not seem to be all that common in society at large for people to comprehend the idea of shared love. Ultimately, I think it is this insecurity that is the primary force in disallowing the possibility for a successful relationship that also has outlets for the expression of love with others.
ratbastid already addressed it, but I think the precedence issue is directly tied to this insecurity, as is the need for profound communication which I mentioned in the original post. The primary source of insecurity, as
Rodney pointed out, is the question of who has precedence: who is most important? If the person who has precedence doesn't FEEL like they have precedence, and if it is not communicated well, and regularly, that they have precedence, it doesn't matter that they DO have precedence. The insecurity will be in that person's mind and it will eat away at the ability for such a relationship to succeed. But this is not evidence that loving, or having deep affection, for another person takes something away from the love that is felt for the partner one is ultimately dedicated to. It is only evidence that it takes a great deal of work and that, like
ratbastid pointed out, time and attention must be used and given wisely.
However, I'd like to slightly disagree with one thing that has been said so far (or maybe I'm agreeing but just in different words)...
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Originally Posted by JumpinJesus
amorous love is born out of a strong physical attraction coupled with a happiness one feels while in the presence of the object of said love. With over 6 billion people on this planet, it is an impossibility to claim that we only feel physical attraction to one person only. It is a safe assumption that we come across a multitude of people on a daily basis with whom we are physically attracted. Couple that with a happiness while in their presence and we have what could easily be argued as a basis for amorous love. The difference is that with most of these people we encounter, we never spend enough time with them to allow such feelings to develop. By allowing these feelings to develop, we enter the realm of amorous love.
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This reminds me of
another thread I recently read here. For those who don't feel like reading it, the general gist is basically that love begins as a reward system in the brain. The happiness found in the presence of the person is a reward for being near that person. It seems as though the physical attraction one feels, combined with the happiness one feels in the presence of another person is indeed the
basis of amorous love. This makes sense to me, and I'm not sure if I agree that physical attraction and happiness in one's presence are not love. Rather, it seems more accurate to me to state that they are the early stages of love - the core building blocks upon which more and deeper love is built over time.