:::OshnSoul:::

hahaha you sound like me, hun. unfortunately. I have what I call PKD- Paranoid Karmatic Disorder. I was married- I was completely faithful until I really knew that things were just not going to work out. He was a depressent and was very unemotional and had a lot weird angst in him. It will all due to this: He told me that he has never been able to trust and that his family never demonstrated what love was.
Over time, I became very depressed, insecure, longing for that "spark" again. It wasn't happening. I was miserable. My husband withdrew almost completely. Well- I ended up cheating on my husband. NEVER AGAIN would I do that to anyone- no matter what.
Anywho, he had spied on me. Looked in the web history, read my poetry, etc. I was about to tell him what I did because I couldn't hold it in- but then he found out by a post I made somewhere. At that time, I did not want to get divorced, I wanted it to work out. But then finally I realized that I did it for a reason. And that even if we tried to work past it, things would never be the same.
I then loved single life, a few dates here and there.......then came along this guy that struck me like no one else. All of the sudden- we are together. It's been 9 months and we are living together.
However- for some reason, and it has worsened for me, I started to feel a knot in my stomach. Not like "oh he's cheating on me" not, but that he wasn't being completely open with me. First, I complained. Called him constantly. Then- I browsed through some of his friends on Myspace- that's when I saw "overly-friendly" comments he made to this chick. Although she across the world, it was only 1-2 months before we moved in with each other. And he was complimenting her a lot. Well- I made another mistake which was confronting him on this in a very derogatory manner. When we were discussing this, he brought up that I was the only woman he hasn't cheated on. (I thought....."yet".....and "will he?") then told me it was because they cheated on him first. (I thought...."that's low!")
I told him that it was cheating on me emotionally. Thankful it did not continue- and we also cancelled both of our accounts- out of individual choice- and not just because of this circumstance either, because most of our "friends" we knew in person and we just never talked to the rest.
Ever since then it had been so extremely hard to beleive that he would be faithful. I would be on his every step. I would get suspicious of every little thing that didn't make sense to me.
Well- throughout conversations we've had, he helped me realize my PKD- that I "think" that karma will get me. And I am trying to prove myself right. But I don't want to feel this way anymore! I'm sick of it, he's sick of it (and yes he has trust issues too, but he has let me be me without much question- I thank him for that), and that's it. I have to and WANT to put full trust in him. If I don't it will just push him away.
Now, he has said to me He's just said "I am here for you, I'll be there for you, I'm not going anywhere, Who do I come home to everynight? Wake up to every morning?" But for some reason it bugs me that I have said to him and never once heard him say to me "I am/will be faithful to you" and "you are the only one". Those particular words, being said AND meant, would definately end this stupid feeling. To me, those are very direct.
But I can't say "well, if you just say these things and mean 'em, then I can trust you." I guess that's one part of the situation I'm having a hard time letting go of. And I will. I just have to know that he demonstrates his love and feelings for me with action, not words. He does say he loves me, but there are a lot of women out there like me being told these things (especially if the SO means it........) I can't make him say what I want......I just have to do my part- which is let go and trust.