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Observant Ruminant
Location: Rich Wannabe Hippie Town
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Private Talk in Public Places
A columnist in the San Francisco Chronicle posted a list of private comments about sex and relationships that were overheard in public places; her readers sent them in.
They're pretty funny and, unfortunately, I've heard friends and acquaintances say a lot of the same things. I could own up to a couple of them myself.
Quote:
http://sfgate.com/cgi-bin/article.cg...DGRLH6M8S1.DTL
Even the happily-ever-after marriage of Charles and Camilla couldn't mask the truth. Brad and Jennifer, Renee and Kenny, Rod and Rachel, Ron and Ellen, Christian and Ryan, Jessica and Nick, Gavin and Kimberly (can't ID them? You've been wasting time for scholarly pursuits in the checkout line); 2005 was a bum year for romance. Rampaging rivers of hormones overflowed the sandbags of caution, turning self-sufficient singles into cozy twosomes and then into tattered victims of disaster, clinging to battered remains of their self-esteem. Chapter by chapter:
I. The Prelude to Love Is Longing ... and Plotting.
"What I need is a man who will let me henpeck him.'' (Woman overheard on Martin Luther King Boulevard in Berkeley by Ann Erickson.)
"Remember, girls love eye patches and scars.'' (High school freshman boy giving advice to 11-year-old, overhead on the 38L Geary by Marcus Loy.)
"If I was a dude, I'd date me.'' (Young woman to man, overheard on ski lift at Heavenly Valley by Rachel Tiley.)
"The only time I really miss having a man in my life is garbage night.'' (Overheard at the Civic Center courthouse last Valentine's day by Lewis Gillian.)
II. Linking Up Is Hard to Do.
"He does know you're a lesbian, right?'' (Woman to woman, overheard in front of Macy's in San Francisco by Diane Brauch.)
"I was looking for someone for just a really good time, but then I peeked at his iTunes playlist. He'd be serious baggage.'' (One woman to another overheard in Marin County by Capt. Steve Stevens.)
"I think you're very pretty and we could have beautiful children. And I won't stalk you when you break up with me.'' (Young man to young woman, overheard in the Financial District by The Chronicle's Pat Yollin.)
"He asked if I wanted to go back to his place. That's the same as the old-fashioned 'do you want to go for a cup of coffee?' '' (One young woman to another, overheard on the N Judah by The Chronicle's Heather Maddan.)
"So we went back to my place. Guess who passed out again? Yep, me.'' (Young woman on cell phone in Palo Alto, overheard by Craig Stark.)
III. The Ship of Love Is Launched.
"Does he have a pumice?'' (Woman to woman, overheard at the Gardener in Berkeley by Marshal Brewster.)
"The only thing is, his hair is kind of weird.'' (Woman to companion, overheard at the corner of Sutter and Stockton by Michael Mahoney.)
"There won't be a second date. That girl ate way too may noodles.'' (Man to man outside Union Bank on California, overheard by Catherine Luciano.)
"Well, he doesn't usually take off his boxers, so it probably wasn't him.'' (Woman in a San Francisco stationery store, overheard by Danielle Simpson.)
"When I'm in love I gain weight, like 3 or 4 pounds. So we have to be careful.'' (Woman to man with whom she is apparently contemplating a relationship, overheard at a Union Street restaurant by Nancy Hickman.)
"She's gross. He's gross. They're both gross. It's a good couple.'' (Young woman to a young woman friend, overheard at lunch at the Blue Plate restaurant in Reno by Anne Williams.)
IV. The Voyage Progresses, But Turbulence Is Noted.
"There was the standard drinking and flirting and ... a week or so later I was taking antibiotics.'' (One man to another, overheard on Post Street by Michael Smith.)
"Yes, I watch hardcore porn. Is that a problem?'' (Young woman on cell phone, overheard at the Gardener by Eryn Alana Leavens.)
"The date wasn't going well anyway. Then I look down and see she's wearing a (darned) toe ring.'' (One suited-and-tied man to another, overheard on Clay Street by Catherine Luciano.)
"I didn't realize you only liked me when you're drunk.'' (Man on cell phone at Van Ness and McAllister, overheard by Roy Francies.)
"She loves having sex in the morning, but she doesn't have a brain in her head.'' (Gentleman on the Larkspur ferry, overheard by Bob Ivory.)
"I love you, but your credit's not that good.'' (Man on cell phone, overheard at the Sausalito Art Fair.)
V. To Relate or Not to Relate, That Is the Question.
"I don't understand how the bastard could marry outside of (his) political persuasion.'' (Woman to male companion, overheard at Fourth and King by The Chronicle's Terry Robertson.)
"I said I love you and think I want to spend my life with you, but right now I'm in Safeway and I can't find anything, so I'll call you later.'' (Older man on cell phone, overheard at Safeway at Jackson and Davis by Luciano.)
VI. Yes, Yes, Yes. Probably.
"I think he married the first nonhooker he met.'' (Man on cell phone, overheard on BART by Alex Marmur.)
"This is the perfect wedding ring. It fits just great under my cycling gloves.'' (Newlywed Sophika Kostyniuk at Gulf of the Farallones National Marine Sanctuary offices, overheard by Mary Jane Schramm.)
"She always marries the wrong man, but she does divorce so well.'' (Man to woman over dinner at Insalata's in San Anselmo, overheard by Sally Shepard.)
VII. We Regret to Inform You.
"It didn't work out because a) he's 39 years old, b) it was Friday night, c) his mom was with him.'' (Woman to co-workers, overheard at Togo's in Emeryville by Dana Fong.)
"As soon as she gets out of bed to go to the bathroom, I'm out of there. I don't want to get stabbed by some guy with a knife.'' (Gentleman -- well, maybe not -- at Chili's in Terra Linda, overheard by Laura Bradley and her family.)
"If you think you've got to call the cops when you're going to break up with her, I'd say it's time to take a look at your relationship.'' (Young man to another, overheard in the elevator of a North Bay hospital by Barbara Jonas.)
"First wives are difficult.'' (Overheard at breakfast at the Video Cafe on Geary by Mac McGinnes.)
"She is my second wife. I'm actually much closer to my first wife, though. We've exchanged gunfire.'' (Man at Mel's in downtown Berkeley, overheard by Wes Haley.)
"Maybe my second wife wasn't so bad after all.'' (Nostalgia for the good old days, overheard at United Market in San Rafael by Stuart H. Brown.)
"She left me. Now I'm dating our goldfish.'' (Man to pal, overheard at the Tuesday Farmers' Market in Berkeley by Nancy Pietrafesa.)
VIII. Lessons to Be Learned Today.
"I picked up a bottle of wine and got home about five minutes after her. But she was totally surprised, so that was good.'' (Man on cell phone, along the Ohlone Greenway in Berkeley, overheard the day after Valentine's Day last year by Robert Menzimer.)
"I need two exactly the same, so that when I talk to each of them, I'll be able to keep it straight.'' (Man purchasing Valentines in Kard Zone in the Castro, overheard by Jeff Stryker.)
IX. Whatever.
"He can't be that gay, he got me pregnant.'' (Woman to woman, overheard at UC Berkeley by Karl Leonard.)
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