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Martian · 01-31-2006, 10:15 AM

The official term that's been skirted around a bit here is codependency. This is what I was getting at in the above post.

It's okay to be in a relationship where there is an interdependency; you rely on your signifigant other to provide you with certain things. Where you start to run into trouble is if you're unable to function without that person (or vice versa). There has to be a certain amount of independence within the relationship; you will be unable to stand together until you can each stand on your own. This is the situation to avoid.

If a girl relies on you to the point where she can't manage her day-to-day life without you, it effectively traps you. What happens when you have to go away on business, or if you have a family affair that you have to attend? What happens when you want or need time to yourself (which everybody does)? What happens when you go to work or school or go out for a guy's night? She has to be able to cope with these sorts of situations and you do too.

However, there are emotional needs that are fulfilled by a partner; if there weren't, we wouldn't get into relationships. You, like a great many guys, have the desire to be 'the man'; that is, you want to fill the traditional masculine role of protector and provider. That's okay; you may find a girl who is happy to have you do that and would prefer to fulfill the more traditional female role of caregiver. This is a healthy relationship, so long as she's able to protect herself when you're not available to do it.

Think of it more as parts to be played. You act like a man, she acts like a woman. If, however, the act becomes reality and she really is unable to get by without you guiding her and protecting her, you're going to have trouble. That sort of a relationship is not healthy and tends not to last.

So basically, it comes down to what I said above. You know what you want. There are girls out there who have complementary desires. Finding one isn't even all that much of a challenge. The pitfall to watch out for is that you have to make sure it is just an act; she has to be able to stand alone as well. As long as you're aware of the fact, you're okay.

01-31-2006, 10:15 AM	#8 (permalink)
Martian Young Crumudgeon Location: Canada	The official term that's been skirted around a bit here is codependency. This is what I was getting at in the above post. It's okay to be in a relationship where there is an interdependency; you rely on your signifigant other to provide you with certain things. Where you start to run into trouble is if you're unable to function without that person (or vice versa). There has to be a certain amount of independence within the relationship; you will be unable to stand together until you can each stand on your own. This is the situation to avoid. If a girl relies on you to the point where she can't manage her day-to-day life without you, it effectively traps you. What happens when you have to go away on business, or if you have a family affair that you have to attend? What happens when you want or need time to yourself (which everybody does)? What happens when you go to work or school or go out for a guy's night? She has to be able to cope with these sorts of situations and you do too. However, there are emotional needs that are fulfilled by a partner; if there weren't, we wouldn't get into relationships. You, like a great many guys, have the desire to be 'the man'; that is, you want to fill the traditional masculine role of protector and provider. That's okay; you may find a girl who is happy to have you do that and would prefer to fulfill the more traditional female role of caregiver. This is a healthy relationship, so long as she's able to protect herself when you're not available to do it. Think of it more as parts to be played. You act like a man, she acts like a woman. If, however, the act becomes reality and she really is unable to get by without you guiding her and protecting her, you're going to have trouble. That sort of a relationship is not healthy and tends not to last. So basically, it comes down to what I said above. You know what you want. There are girls out there who have complementary desires. Finding one isn't even all that much of a challenge. The pitfall to watch out for is that you have to make sure it is just an act; she has to be able to stand alone as well. As long as you're aware of the fact, you're okay. __________________ I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said - Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame