Am I happy? Am I satisfied? Those are awfully high standards to hold for oneself on a daily basis. I strive to feel "normal," I suppose, and be satisfied with that, I guess? I've been pondering over this question for the past few days, unsure of how to respond. As with many, what will come out is a rush of unconnected thoughts...
I am happy in moments. I have had more happy than unhappy moments of late, mostly because of my recent trip to Lebanon with my ktspktsp
which was the highlight of my last 12 months, maybe longer. I think that has kicked up my "happy meter" for an extended period..
But I know that it will run out, and come back down to "normal." And I am becoming okay with that, after spending much of my life seeking after some sense of "ultimate happiness" 24-7. Religion did it for me, for a long time.. it didn't make me happy, but the idea of a God who loved me unconditionally, who held me when I cried, was crucial to my mental health as a teenager. After many years, though, the thought was no longer comforting, it was disturbing in that it required me to surrender my rational thought. So I let go of that form of "happiness."
For me now, normal is just getting through the day, having some nice conversations with people I care about and/or care about me, maybe having some intellectual stimulation from my work and physical challenge from a workout.
If I miss any of these things, then my "normal" meter runs down.. and Gilda, for me too, this often happens at night, before sleeping. My sad thoughts creep in then, and it's hard for me to fend them off. But often I just let them be, let myself feel sad, and let myself fall asleep eventually. Sometimes I cry.. probably once a week on average. That is part of my being normal, I believe. It doesn't mean I am "happy," but it means I am coping with some form of stress in my life, which is better than blocking it. (TFP is a part of this late-night coping, too!)
I know I will always have stress in my life. I know that whether or not I finish my PhD, whether or not ktspktsp and I stay together, whether or not the loved ones in my life live until they are 90 years old or they are taken from me at a much younger age... well, somehow, I have to be okay with any or all of those situations not working out. So I guess "normality" comes from within, a stability that I long to have. And "happiness" I really love, when I can get it... but I don't expect it every day anymore, at least not at the same level that I used to. (Does that mean I am jaded?.. someone else should answer that for me, I guess.)
See my signature for a more concise statement on my philosophy..