Thank you for sharing. The concensus seems to be happiness comes from within.
That won't really help me be a happier person, but it does help me with some insight into why I'm not, which I suppose is a step in the right directions.
I don't want to just make this all about me and my problems, which obviously are small compared to what many people have. At the same time, I don't want to ignore those who have responded directly to me or asked for clarification after starting this thread.
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Do you expect that life is supposed to be ALL happiness ALL the time? If so then how would you know that you were happy? Life is the range of emotions we need to savor all of them as twisted as that sounds. Pain, suffering, unhappiness, they are all part of the same circle and need to be experienced to truly understand the depths of happiness and joy.
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I know there will be good moments and bad moments. I know that there are going to be times when some guy will try to cop a feel, pinch me in the ass, try to force me to kiss him, students who are going to be rude to me, supervisors who drop in unexpectedly to observe a class session, homophobic assholes dating my sister. Life is full of disappointments and low points and there's no way to eliminate them completely. The best we can do is minimize risks and avoid those unpleasant situations as much as possible. I get that.
What I'm talking about is the times in between the good moments and the bad moments, when I'm not actively involved in an activity that I enjoy or an activity that I dislike. In those moments, my mood tends more one of . . . I don't know, emptiness, as if there's still something missing. I just can't figure out why I end up in that place more or less by default when I'm not otherwise engaged. Many here are saying it's because happiness comes from within, so I suppose that means that I just don't have it in me to be happy in the absense of some external stimulus, like the people I love, my job, a good movie.
I'd strongly disagree that negative emotions should be savored.
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Originally Posted by Martian
Here's a different spin on things for you Gilda; what if this is the peak for you? What if it doesn't get any better than this and you're likely to spend the next fifty years in a job you love and are successful at, surrounded by people who love and admire you?
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That's the point. Being in this situation should make me happy (content, satisfied) with my life, but it doesn't, and if this is the best my life will ever be, and this doesn't make me happy, that means I'll never be happy with my life.
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A very wise man once told me that when somebody hurts you, there are only two people who are able to fix it. And in the vast majority of the cases, the person who hurt you isn't interested in repairing the damage, maybe not even capable. That means it's up to you to accept it and let go. It's not an easy thing to do; I'm still learning to let go. I'm only now even realizing how much I have to let go of; I have to let go of all the pain my dad caused, the pain my mum caused (which is worse because she gave me a lot of joy and support too), the pain caused by my ex and hardest of all, the pain I've caused myself. None of it is easy.
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I accept that what my uncle and my former boyfriends did to me can't be undone and that they wouldn't want to even if they could. It's my own moral failures that I can't let go of, and wouldn't want to, as I don't want to repeat them. They keep me grounded and focused on doing the right thing.
My relationship with my parents is still salvageable. They're both smart people, eventually they may realize that my sexuality isn't about them and has nothing to do with our relationship. I can't just discard a relationship that's so important to me, just because it doesn't bring me anything good. While they're still alive, there's still a chance, a hope that they'll see that I'm a good person.
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I'd strongly suggest you use the courage you've shown in facing your social anxieties to look at approaching therapy again. It's not easy, but nothing worth doing ever is.
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While I appreciate the compliment, I don't think I've shown any courage. I know I need to get therapy, but . . . it means starting over, going back through all that pain I had to dig through with my old therapist, the months of learning to trust a new a person.
It's much, much more difficult to talk about this stuff with a person in real life than on an anonymous message board.
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If you're interested, just now at this moment I'm most definitely not happy. I'm going through a lot of pain right now that's hard for me to deal with. But earlier this afternoon, I went to visit a young girl and her child, who is only just now turning a year old. That little boy made me laugh; playing with him, making faces at him, watching him smile, that made me happy.
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I had several good moments today also. Maybe I should just accept that good moments is all I get to have and stop expecting there to be more.
kangerau: I do like traveling, but theme parks are about as adventurous as I'm really comfortable with. Thank you for the suggestion, though, maybe someday in the future when I've got things more together.
Ratbastid: I checked your link, thank you for providing it. Unfortunately, the nearest seminar is halfway across the state and the only one scheduled for the next six months conflicts with my job.
I'll try to refrain from posting threads about my personal problems in the future; I don't want to impose too much on the people here for what I should really be doing in therapy.
Gilda