Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post

simivin · 01-13-2006, 07:31 AM

Kangaeru, thanks for the comments. I think that some of what you said is true. Others not. Here's some of what I think:

- Things were unresolved with Sarah because of circumstances going years back, and yes, this includes my being "chicken-shit" and not doing anything about it for whatever reason. I began dating Cheery and stayed with Cheery over Sarah out of choice. I realized this and wanted this. My questions about Sarah waxed and waned, but ultimately were waning. I didn't want to sort things out with her -- that was in my control and the choice reflected by my decision to stay with Cheery.

- Do I feel bad I fucked it up? Yes I do. Do I wish things would have worked out? Yes I do. Admittedly, Cheery is my first serious girlfriend in more than two years (after a mostly immature long-term, long-distance relationship). I don't know as much as a lot of other people -- which is why I talk to people and come here and try to understand different perspectives. I haven't dealt with some of these situations, like with Sarah. I didn't realize early enough how important and right it was for the two of them to meet -- if I had, I would have done it and made any sacrifice to do so a long time ago. Just like I didn't really know about "emotional cheating" -- if I had, I would have been more attuned to that sort of stuff and would have acted better in some cases. The day I made the decision to break up, I was comfortable and confident in my decision -- the greater regret and powerlessness comes from recognition of mistakes after the fact.

- Everyone comments about me visiting Sarah the day after Cheery leaves. It was completely spontaneous and unplanned. I got online, she asked me where I had been for the last week, found out I was in DC, and asked me to this thing at a bar. I said ok -- and almost didn't end up going because I got lost and was late. Sure, Cheery could look at it and say it was suspicious, or insensitive, or whatever; however, that's where I had wanted her to trust that I wasn't doing anything, or going behind her back. I wanted her to trust exactly what I said and that there wasn't some weird plot. I wanted her to trust and understand that it was my ignorance of how it could be perceived. I wanted her to trust that I was just trying to act normally; that I would have hung out with any other friend had they asked. Would I go back and change that? God, yes. Do I think I should have to change that? No, I don't -- because there was absolutely nothing up.

- You're right, I may not have completely trusted Cheery's trust in me. This is derived from some different (sometimes small, sometimes stale) incidences, some of which she hates that I remember, but I do because they struck a chord with me. She commented at least once or more that it was bad that boys have options -- I told her we both have options if we so chose, but I chose to be with her. She was upset because a girl who I had known (yes, one who liked me), had sent me packages, even before we started dating. She got all upset a while ago because I was talking with other people online while talking to her -- that I wasn't giving all of my attention to her. Once, when I didn't want to come up one weekend (8 hour round trip, work for school, needed a break from driving), she thought it was suspicious if I didn't want to come up ("wouldn't you think it supsicious if I didn't want you to come up?" "Um, no, I'd think you have other things going on"). She was suspicious and searched through my email back in August; I had told myself I would breakup with someone who did that, but wanted to give her another chance. She didn't do it again, but she did get on my IM and check Sarah's away message back in November (which to me was almost, but not quite, the same thing). She was the one who told me in late August to go visit Sarah to figure things out -- when I didn't really want to -- and then got upset at me about it. Then she assumed that me going to visit Sarah in November was really me going to see who I wanted to date. She didn't believe me when I said that I was only going to visit Sarah because her birthday was that week; sure, it was going to be nice to see this girl for the first time in two years and who had started to become this huge issue, but I knew who I wanted to be with. Or she would look into the fact that I deleted a post on facebook, thinking it was because of Sarah. And then, the time right before Christmas, which I have already addressed. So yes, it was hard for me to put great faith in her trust, when her most sincere expression of trust came only after I told her I wanted to break up and only after I had been verbally handed my balls. If she hadn't freaked out on me, and had just trusted me and everything I said, I would have been one of the happiest guys around. Really, that is all I wanted.

- Yes, I should have set up a meeting, and should have set it up earlier. I've admitted this, and admitted it over and over. People are people; people make bad decisions sometimes based on feelings or thoughts or emotions. People sometimes try at one point in time, but fail to follow-through at another; at one point I wasn't timid about it, but was positively encouraging...and then things got lost in the shuffle or I got shot down. Timing doesn't work (ie. Thanksgiving). Or my patience to try to resolve this (thinking Sarah wasn't that big of an issue) contrasted with Cheery's haste and need (thinking she was a big issue), though I should have realized her need needed to be satisfied. I would gladly change this all, now, and be much more assertive and proactive, but again this is a lessons-learned.

- Honestly, it's somewhat funny you talk about controlling your own situation; I gave an old ex-girlfriend that talk many times. Yes I failed to get the two girls together, for which I am to blame, but weirdly enough, it seems like there were lots of things outside of my control, such as circumstance or whatever. Some people prefer the maxim "time will tell" or "que sera sera". I felt I did try to control things, but things did seem to get out of control, too...that is where some of my additional frustration comes in, because I like having control over my situation.

- You're right, Sarah is in some sort of weird limbo, although that is certainly more pronounced now (that I am single) than it was a month or two ago when I was with Cheery. I had made the choice not to get Sarah, and kept trying to tell Cheery this. But Sarah kept coming up and kept becoming an issue (yes, yes, they should have met -- we can assume I know that now and that that might have made a difference). It sucks to have ambiguous, unresolved relationships, but you know what? I don't think they are that uncommon -- how many people on this forum still have someone who they still wonder, "what would have happened"? Obviously, as time passes, as you get closer to someone else, this fades. So it was with Sarah.

- As for me and closure, yes, I'm unfortunately a "what if" or "shoulda, coulda, woulda" kinda guy -- not just in relationships. I had a tremendous undergraduate career...you know what I did at the end? "If I had done this, or hadn't done that." Generally, this dissipates given time, but it tends to take me longer than some people. I would honestly like to change this; I'm still working on it.

- Yes, I'm wallowing in my self-perceived powerlessness right now. I've heard and read lots of your and others' opinions that tell me I was wrong, but know this only after the fact, so cannot fix anything. Of course that sucks; of course there's a powerlessness, since I can't go back in time. It would be terribly easy to get over this and not look back if I just assumed that I was wholly and undeniably correct in my decision -- but I don't really apply that emotional defense-mechanism plus I'm trying to learn. And yes, it's all rather pathetic as I sit here wishing I could change things. But please, give me a break -- I'm still hurt and upset about this relationship and feel guilty about the things I'm finding out I did wrong -- when I get over this, when I get back to school, when I start to be productive again, I will find my feet and regain control. People say there is a mourning period in a relationship; I guess I'm still mourning. I still miss Cheery, I still love Cheery, and I still wish I could have made a couple different decisions (based on my knowledge now), to change things completely.

Trust me, I will not make the same mistakes again. I'm just sorry I hadn't learned better before Cheery. Thanks though, kangaeru, for you comments.

Sim

/Sorry for the long post...it kinda got long-winded as I responded to things.

01-13-2006, 07:31 AM	#41 (permalink)
simivin Banned	Kangaeru, thanks for the comments. I think that some of what you said is true. Others not. Here's some of what I think: - Things were unresolved with Sarah because of circumstances going years back, and yes, this includes my being "chicken-shit" and not doing anything about it for whatever reason. I began dating Cheery and stayed with Cheery over Sarah out of choice. I realized this and wanted this. My questions about Sarah waxed and waned, but ultimately were waning. I didn't want to sort things out with her -- that was in my control and the choice reflected by my decision to stay with Cheery. - Do I feel bad I fucked it up? Yes I do. Do I wish things would have worked out? Yes I do. Admittedly, Cheery is my first serious girlfriend in more than two years (after a mostly immature long-term, long-distance relationship). I don't know as much as a lot of other people -- which is why I talk to people and come here and try to understand different perspectives. I haven't dealt with some of these situations, like with Sarah. I didn't realize early enough how important and right it was for the two of them to meet -- if I had, I would have done it and made any sacrifice to do so a long time ago. Just like I didn't really know about "emotional cheating" -- if I had, I would have been more attuned to that sort of stuff and would have acted better in some cases. The day I made the decision to break up, I was comfortable and confident in my decision -- the greater regret and powerlessness comes from recognition of mistakes after the fact. - Everyone comments about me visiting Sarah the day after Cheery leaves. It was completely spontaneous and unplanned. I got online, she asked me where I had been for the last week, found out I was in DC, and asked me to this thing at a bar. I said ok -- and almost didn't end up going because I got lost and was late. Sure, Cheery could look at it and say it was suspicious, or insensitive, or whatever; however, that's where I had wanted her to trust that I wasn't doing anything, or going behind her back. I wanted her to trust exactly what I said and that there wasn't some weird plot. I wanted her to trust and understand that it was my ignorance of how it could be perceived. I wanted her to trust that I was just trying to act normally; that I would have hung out with any other friend had they asked. Would I go back and change that? God, yes. Do I think I should have to change that? No, I don't -- because there was absolutely nothing up. - You're right, I may not have completely trusted Cheery's trust in me. This is derived from some different (sometimes small, sometimes stale) incidences, some of which she hates that I remember, but I do because they struck a chord with me. She commented at least once or more that it was bad that boys have options -- I told her we both have options if we so chose, but I chose to be with her. She was upset because a girl who I had known (yes, one who liked me), had sent me packages, even before we started dating. She got all upset a while ago because I was talking with other people online while talking to her -- that I wasn't giving all of my attention to her. Once, when I didn't want to come up one weekend (8 hour round trip, work for school, needed a break from driving), she thought it was suspicious if I didn't want to come up ("wouldn't you think it supsicious if I didn't want you to come up?" "Um, no, I'd think you have other things going on"). She was suspicious and searched through my email back in August; I had told myself I would breakup with someone who did that, but wanted to give her another chance. She didn't do it again, but she did get on my IM and check Sarah's away message back in November (which to me was almost, but not quite, the same thing). She was the one who told me in late August to go visit Sarah to figure things out -- when I didn't really want to -- and then got upset at me about it. Then she assumed that me going to visit Sarah in November was really me going to see who I wanted to date. She didn't believe me when I said that I was only going to visit Sarah because her birthday was that week; sure, it was going to be nice to see this girl for the first time in two years and who had started to become this huge issue, but I knew who I wanted to be with. Or she would look into the fact that I deleted a post on facebook, thinking it was because of Sarah. And then, the time right before Christmas, which I have already addressed. So yes, it was hard for me to put great faith in her trust, when her most sincere expression of trust came only after I told her I wanted to break up and only after I had been verbally handed my balls. If she hadn't freaked out on me, and had just trusted me and everything I said, I would have been one of the happiest guys around. Really, that is all I wanted. - Yes, I should have set up a meeting, and should have set it up earlier. I've admitted this, and admitted it over and over. People are people; people make bad decisions sometimes based on feelings or thoughts or emotions. People sometimes try at one point in time, but fail to follow-through at another; at one point I wasn't timid about it, but was positively encouraging...and then things got lost in the shuffle or I got shot down. Timing doesn't work (ie. Thanksgiving). Or my patience to try to resolve this (thinking Sarah wasn't that big of an issue) contrasted with Cheery's haste and need (thinking she was a big issue), though I should have realized her need needed to be satisfied. I would gladly change this all, now, and be much more assertive and proactive, but again this is a lessons-learned. - Honestly, it's somewhat funny you talk about controlling your own situation; I gave an old ex-girlfriend that talk many times. Yes I failed to get the two girls together, for which I am to blame, but weirdly enough, it seems like there were lots of things outside of my control, such as circumstance or whatever. Some people prefer the maxim "time will tell" or "que sera sera". I felt I did try to control things, but things did seem to get out of control, too...that is where some of my additional frustration comes in, because I like having control over my situation. - You're right, Sarah is in some sort of weird limbo, although that is certainly more pronounced now (that I am single) than it was a month or two ago when I was with Cheery. I had made the choice not to get Sarah, and kept trying to tell Cheery this. But Sarah kept coming up and kept becoming an issue (yes, yes, they should have met -- we can assume I know that now and that that might have made a difference). It sucks to have ambiguous, unresolved relationships, but you know what? I don't think they are that uncommon -- how many people on this forum still have someone who they still wonder, "what would have happened"? Obviously, as time passes, as you get closer to someone else, this fades. So it was with Sarah. - As for me and closure, yes, I'm unfortunately a "what if" or "shoulda, coulda, woulda" kinda guy -- not just in relationships. I had a tremendous undergraduate career...you know what I did at the end? "If I had done this, or hadn't done that." Generally, this dissipates given time, but it tends to take me longer than some people. I would honestly like to change this; I'm still working on it. - Yes, I'm wallowing in my self-perceived powerlessness right now. I've heard and read lots of your and others' opinions that tell me I was wrong, but know this only after the fact, so cannot fix anything. Of course that sucks; of course there's a powerlessness, since I can't go back in time. It would be terribly easy to get over this and not look back if I just assumed that I was wholly and undeniably correct in my decision -- but I don't really apply that emotional defense-mechanism plus I'm trying to learn. And yes, it's all rather pathetic as I sit here wishing I could change things. But please, give me a break -- I'm still hurt and upset about this relationship and feel guilty about the things I'm finding out I did wrong -- when I get over this, when I get back to school, when I start to be productive again, I will find my feet and regain control. People say there is a mourning period in a relationship; I guess I'm still mourning. I still miss Cheery, I still love Cheery, and I still wish I could have made a couple different decisions (based on my knowledge now), to change things completely. Trust me, I will not make the same mistakes again. I'm just sorry I hadn't learned better before Cheery. Thanks though, kangaeru, for you comments. Sim /Sorry for the long post...it kinda got long-winded as I responded to things. Last edited by simivin; 01-13-2006 at 07:57 AM..