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simivin · 01-12-2006, 07:53 PM

I guess I thought it was good that I went to Cheery for things first, that I was always there for her, that I was (at least so I thought) loyal and faithful, that I was more intimate (emotionally, physically, etc) with her, that I always knew I was with her and trying to work on us, and that I chose her over anyone else. Maybe in theory that's good, but in reality, maybe the extent wasn't good enough or didn't measure up to what a relationship should be.

As for the bond, the only time I felt that bond was lessened was, ironically, when we were fighting about Sarah; not because of Sarah so much as because of the hurt the fighting caused to our relationship. If you took out the months of fighting about my friend, Sarah would have been such a non-issue and I really think the "wondering" would have dissipated a long time ago.

You're right, Abaya, seeing in hindsight that my priorities might have been incorrect is upsetting. Seeing that what I gave wasn't good enough, or wasn't "right" is upsetting. Just as seeing, now, how I could possibly fix things, is upsetting. I guess it either means I'm not ready for the type of relationship Cheery offered, or my idea of a relationship differs in a way that makes us incompatible. I don't know. One way or the other -- it is certainly shitty.

Did I pick Sarah over Cheery? Cheery thinks so -- maybe you think so...and maybe all the evidence points to "yes." But in my heart of hearts, I didn't make the decision of Sarah over Cheery (or Sarah's desires over my GFs), I made it because for right or wrong, I felt that Cheery wasn't trusting me and that I couldn't handle this extent of fighting when all of our prior fighting had hurt more and more. Would I go and change it and acquiesce to Cheery's wants and needs? Would I completely change my friendship with Sarah? Absolutely, but that is after sitting here right now, distanced from the 4 months of fighting, and with three weeks of reflection under my belt. Who knows if this was an isolated incident, an abberation because of a unique element (Sarah), or if even without Sarah we might still have had problems. I don't know -- but I wish with all my heart that I could have seen. And I guess that, to me, is where the greatest regret comes in.

01-12-2006, 07:53 PM	#37 (permalink)
simivin Banned	I guess I thought it was good that I went to Cheery for things first, that I was always there for her, that I was (at least so I thought) loyal and faithful, that I was more intimate (emotionally, physically, etc) with her, that I always knew I was with her and trying to work on us, and that I chose her over anyone else. Maybe in theory that's good, but in reality, maybe the extent wasn't good enough or didn't measure up to what a relationship should be. As for the bond, the only time I felt that bond was lessened was, ironically, when we were fighting about Sarah; not because of Sarah so much as because of the hurt the fighting caused to our relationship. If you took out the months of fighting about my friend, Sarah would have been such a non-issue and I really think the "wondering" would have dissipated a long time ago. You're right, Abaya, seeing in hindsight that my priorities might have been incorrect is upsetting. Seeing that what I gave wasn't good enough, or wasn't "right" is upsetting. Just as seeing, now, how I could possibly fix things, is upsetting. I guess it either means I'm not ready for the type of relationship Cheery offered, or my idea of a relationship differs in a way that makes us incompatible. I don't know. One way or the other -- it is certainly shitty. Did I pick Sarah over Cheery? Cheery thinks so -- maybe you think so...and maybe all the evidence points to "yes." But in my heart of hearts, I didn't make the decision of Sarah over Cheery (or Sarah's desires over my GFs), I made it because for right or wrong, I felt that Cheery wasn't trusting me and that I couldn't handle this extent of fighting when all of our prior fighting had hurt more and more. Would I go and change it and acquiesce to Cheery's wants and needs? Would I completely change my friendship with Sarah? Absolutely, but that is after sitting here right now, distanced from the 4 months of fighting, and with three weeks of reflection under my belt. Who knows if this was an isolated incident, an abberation because of a unique element (Sarah), or if even without Sarah we might still have had problems. I don't know -- but I wish with all my heart that I could have seen. And I guess that, to me, is where the greatest regret comes in. Last edited by simivin; 01-12-2006 at 08:12 PM..