simivin

Poppinjay, that's a good question. Really, I don't know the answer right now. I see her as confident and mature and attractive' sometimes I think that things could be great, sometimes I don't want to risk the friendship, sometimes I think it's all too weird, sometimes I feel like avoiding that altogether. Is there an "attraction"? Sure, on some level -- but I'm not sure what level that is. Was it a threat to Cheery? I don't think so, because I didn't want to act on any of that and preferred my relationship with her; whatever attraction there was ultimately didn't matter that much. Do I love Sarah? I think so -- but romantically, or as a friend, or as a sister, I don't know. Guess that is my fault for not figuring that out before or leaving that as a lingering question. However, I still love one of my exes, in some sense -- so to me it wasn't that big a deal...you can love more than one person and people in different ways. As for age, I saw that and recognized it; however, I also recognized that 19 would become 23 over time eventually, so I tried to keep it in perspective. The experiences and "maturity" that Sarah had by being 3 years older would almost certainly come with time.

As for the honesty bit, I agree, it is possible I have not been honest with myself. I think a lot and maybe convolute relationship issues for myself. By staying with Cheery and keeping Sarah as a friend, I was doing what I consciously wanted. Maybe that was right, maybe it was wrong. Sometimes I wonder if I've just been leading myself on or forcing things, but other times, I was confident I wasn't. I could see things working out with Sarah and going "well, guess I was leading myself on"; but I can see things being awkward or wrong or unsucessful, too. Guess some introspection is necessary -- or at least some relaxation and "going with the flow." Maybe Cheery is right, that I don't know what I want...I'm sorry she had to be caught up in it, if that's truly the case.


I know, Sultana, I know. To clarify that part of things in greater detail, from my perspective (Cheery might have things to add, if she wants), here are some events that might be relevant:

- Their first interaction was over IM at the end of August. I sent Cheery some of an IM conversation so she didn't think I was going behind her back with anything (there's another thread about this whole debacle). Cheery apparently IMed Sarah and asked "Do you love him? Do you fucking love him?" Sarah didn't respond...and later was like, I don't know if I would ever want to meet Cheery after that. She changed her mind later, after some time had passed, though.
- At one point around October or November, I was planning on setting a meeting up over T-giving or Christmas. For whatever reason (I can't remember) Cheery said she never wanted to meet Sarah at all.
- Over Thanksgiving break, Sarah called and asked if I wanted to go to lunch, but we decided no because that would bother Cheery. The next morning, Sarah called back and said, hey, it'd be good for Cheery to come along. Unfortunately, I had my phone off and missed the call and Cheery and I left the next day. I told Cheery and Cheery thought that was nice; however, later, she said that Sarah was just trying to make herself look good and make Cheery look bad.
- At some point (can't remember the chronology), Cheery said that she'd meet Sarah as long as I loved her. Otherwise it wasn't worth her time or the effort of doing that. For a while, I wondered if my telling her I loved her was good enough yet. It would have been alright, knowing what I know now.
- Over Christmas break, the week we were together, Cheery and I just spent time together. I talked to Sarah hardly at all for two weeks -- and I was preoccupied with thinking about the stupid dance thing and don't remember specifically thinking about the fact that "hey, it'd be great to get the two of them together". I should have, because it would have been.
- Other things that played a factor:
-- Cheery didn't have a car yet, so to visit Sarah (excluding T-giving and Christmas), I would have to drive 4 hours to pick up Cheery, drive 4 hours to visit Sarah, drive 4 hours to drop Cheery off, and drive 4 hours home. To me it seemed like a lot to do in on weekend. In retrospect, it ultimately would have been worth it, I think.
-- I was a wimp, in some sense, and therefore a little more tentative, because I was afraid that meeting would just have two girls bristeling at one another, especially after 3-4 months of this. This wasn't a reason for not meeting, but was in the back of my mind.
-- It didn't help that Cheery hated Sarah and called her a bitch...it made me more sensitive about them meeting.
-- When Cheery and I talked around Christmas, I didn't want her coming out the weekend of the company event, because I felt I was being chaperoned. Suspicious? I guess it could be, but it was more emotion and frustration talking, at that point. I proposed we go out a week earlier (would have been this upcoming weekend) and I would set something up then. For whatever reason, that wasn't good enough.

So, I think that's most of the details, Sultana. In light of it, though, all I have to say is "no excuse". I should have just sacked up and brought the two of them together a long time ago, rather than just fall on my heels and hope things took care of themselves. I really should have made whatever sacrifices were necessary to bring the two of them together. Some bad timing, bad words, and poor choices. I'll accept that it was fundamentally my fault. And I will not make the same mistake again.

There're some more thoughts. Comments?

Sim

PS: Oh, and welcome back, abaya! hope you had a great time on your trip -- sounds like it'd be great!