I read a lot of video game reviews, and this one is very good.
Don't worry about formal grammer. Yours is better than that of the professional reviewers. Focus on readability. Also consider the style of the reviews in the magazine you are targeting.
I agree that "golden showers" has to go. Perhaps you could refer to the "raspberry" award.
Finally, don't give up. You'd make a great reviewer. If you don't get hired immediately, consider creating a review website. If nothing else you'd get a lot of experience and I'd get to read some more great reviews. Design and share a few multiplayer maps. Post regularly on several busy forums. Go to conventions. I have the feeling that hiring at game magazines is very subjective.
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