simivin

Word...

Damnit, you said you trusted me, but why did I feel you didn't sometimes? Why did you check my email that one time a few months back? Why were you worried or upset if I didn't put references to you in AIM, or deleted posts on facebook? Why did you think it might be suspicious if I didn't want to drive up for a weekend? Stupid shit, so silly, but didn't you realize that that would create an impression or perception over time?

Why did I feel the pressure to be the white knight on the white horse, when all I wanted was to be in a nice and relaxed relationship? Why did I feel like you held on tight to me, because you had decided I was "the one", and that I was too good to let go? I love you, but I was trying to figure out our relationship. Love doesn't imply that the relationship will work -- that is what dating is for. And yet, I felt that just by dating, I was almost committed to marriage. Sure I was working towards that, but we had only been dating nine months -- that was some pressure to feel, especially when our relationship had struggled so much at times. If you had just relaxed a little bit with me, I would have been so much happier -- we could have been so much happier -- and I wouldn't have felt obligated to do things I would have wanted to do sometimes.

Why didn't you just understand and accept that I wanted to be with you -- that I put you first ahead of anyone else, that I was with you and no one else? That I was trying to work on us? Why did you think that me hanging out with my friend was sketchy; why did you think she was such a bad person? It didn't matter if I wondered, or was curious -- it wasn't that much anyway. I loved you and wanted to be with you. She played second fiddle, didn't you get it? You had me, not her; she had never had me. God, I haven't ever cheated and I wouldn't have done anything wrong with anyone -- nor was I going to leave you for anyone else! And if I did cheat, I would accept my own consequences for my lack of integrity. You know I'm not that kind of guy. Or did you really doubt it? Why did I have to be scared of telling you things, because you would blow up at me? Couldn't you tell how much it hurt; how it hurt to sleep thinking I love you but that I was scared to tell you I hung out with my friend? Why did you think it was so sketchy, when I told you the simple honest truth that it was nothing more? And why, when I brought up the stupid dance, that I probably won't go to anyway now, couldn't you keep your cool a little bit more, rather than go off on me? If we could have just talked, we could have been fine. But instead we fought for two days, again. Didn't you realize how much that hurt me? That it was taking it's toll on me? All you had to do was put your heart and trust with me, and God, I would have taken care of it. And what am I supposed to think when you said it, and say it so sincerely, only after I've broken up with you? How am I supposed to take that and believe it? And why did we have to talk on Christmas? I DIDN'T WANT TO! But oh well, we argued for 5 hours and ultimately were finished.

And why, oh why, do I still toss and turn more than a week later, missing you? While you move on without looking back? Why, even though I was the one who made the decision? Why do I accept so much of the blame or responsibility, when we both contributed to it? Why do I still wake up far too early in the morning, regretting so much and wishing things were different, even though at the time I thought it was right? You know, you might read this; maybe, maybe not. It won't matter, I guess. It doesn't matter that I've written over seventy pages of thoughts, because there are too many. It doesn't matter because I feel like there's no going back, just like you said, even if I would want it -- your family probably hates me now, anyway, or at least your parents. I walked back into that once...Lord knows it would be inititely worse this time. All I wanted was to avoid the fighting that happened, like it had for four months, over a stupid friend of mine. And all I wanted to feel was that complete trust -- even if I was wrong or insensitive to ask what I did. I would not have wronged you; there was no ulterior motives whatsoever. I told you the honest to God truth -- I would have sworn by it.

And now I don't know what to do. I know I need to move on but how? It should be easy since I made the decision but it isn't. I don't know how I want to approach things, what my standards are anymore, what I should do. My confidence is low, when it used to be so high. My internal equilibrium is out of alignment. I feel like I was just a shitty boyfriend, am a shitty, insensitive guy who stereotypically didn't appreciate you enough. I wish I could still talk to you, could still be close with you, but I understand. It's the consequences of my decision. I also don't know what I said in any of my drunk dials, not that you got any anyway -- hopefully nothing bad (you know what I said? That I was thinking about/missing you like crazy, that I wished you'd understand and would have completely trusted me, that I wished you a happy birthday, and that I had wanted to ring in the New Year with you...damn). And I know that there are girls out there -- there are other special girls, just as there are better guys. But it still hurts.

Oh yeah...

And miss you...

/thanks for the venting space
//ha, obviously have a lot to vent