barenakedladies

Not more than 2 weeks ago, i posted a thread in this forum asking people to "tell me about the time you were... . that weeks topic was "stuck in an elevator" HAVING NEVER been stuck in an elevator... i was curious to read others stories...

Well my wish came true i suppose. as fate would have it, I DID GET STUCK IN AN ELEVATOR this weekend. I was gonna post this story in the previous thread, but its more of a rant than a story and it needed to be all by itself.
so here goes:



It started off a normal afternoon in Chicago.
Joan was workng downtown and was going to pick her up and do the christmas touristy thing downtown for the rest of the day.
See the tree...the marshallmacyfield's windows, fight off homeless guys begging, and watching blocks of ice fall narrowly missing pedestrians...


I pulled into the self park garage at 181 N. Dearborn to park.

round and round i go up to the 11th floor. damn holiday shoppers...

This is the parking garage that has the musical and play names instead of floor numbers so you can remember where you parked. 1 is oklahoma, 2 is grease and so on... well 11th is almost the top floor so i think they ran out of musicals to go by because 11 was "bobcat goldthwait: live and uncensored" I dont even want to know what 12 was.

I get out of my car and notice a younger couple standing by the elevator... i rush out of my car and run towards the elevator to join them. Surprisngly there was 2 older couples and three kids already on the elevator that must have been on the shitty 12th floor. We start heading down slowly as the uncomfortable elevator silence sits in. It was crowded, but not too bad... still im not a big people person... so im anxiously awaiting getting off this cramped elevator.

The cast and characters to the best of my memory and knowledge are as follows:

I did not get anyones names so i will make them up so it will be easier to follow:

Presenting: The happy couple
The Rock... maybe 30, nice tan coat, dressed up, shaved head... kinda looks like he wants to be dwayne "the rock" johnson.
Silent Chick... again maybe 30, gf or wife of the rock. dressed up, white coat and hooker boots.

Presenting: THE PEOTONE FAMILY
dad: Heavier guy... bears coat tourist
mom: blond hair... scared of small places tourist
rugrat 1: 3 year old girl
rugrat 2: 6 year old boy
rugrat 3: 10 year old boy
Crazy Uncle Cowboy: I call him Tex... cowboy hat, cowbot boots, likes to smoke, visiting "the big city" for the day.
Tex's wife: You might have seen her on the hit tv series cops. Shes the woman you always see screaming "LET HIM GO" as they are dragging crazy uncle shirtless cowboy guy out of the house.

Me: Handsome dapper young recently married man, hates people.




ANYWAYS....

We come to abrupt stop... the number said 3. There is NO WAY we are going to fit anymore people on this elevator. And it just stopped there. NOTHING...
Tex says "Man that was a hard stop"
note: tex was the most vocal out of the whole crew.
The rock chimes in with " noooo dont tell me"
A conversation arises about how mr. and mrs. rock are going to see the musical hairspray and they are already late.

The help button is pressed... its the weekend, no answer.
again help button is pressed... no answer.
10 minutes have passed and i turn to the rock and asked him for help prying the doors open.
We are able to pry them open maybe 3 inches and then nothing. The inner door is not moving at all but you can see about a 1/2 of light coming through. I peer out and notice that the 3rd floor is indeed out there only the ground is at my waistline. We overshot the damn floor.

Help button pressed again to no avail. I pull out my cell phone and try to dial the 1-800 number that was on my ticket i took. No answer. it was the weekend, did i actually think someone would?

Finally a woman comes on the speaker after 30 minutes " HELLO???"
everyone at once starts yelling "HEY HELP!!! HEY WE ARE IN HERE"
you cant hear shit and she finally goes away.

Again 5 minutes later " HELLO?"
this time, people realizing their mistake last time drown her out with their "SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH"
we hear her say "YEA I SEE Y'ALL"

apparantly there was a camera on us and queen latifa has been laughing at us the whole time while she flirts with Lavert from the Burrito Buggy down the street.
Im sending someone up!!! we hear. whew... at least they are going to get us out of here soon.

I see movement outside my 1/2 inch window to the world and prop open the doors again to see a middle aged man with a coat on asking if we were in here. A resounding YES... from the elevator shouted back at him. "Hold on, i gotta go get a crowbar" So hes gone again. You think that he would bring something with him when he gets a elevator is stuck call. But no... he needs to assess the situation first before making a rash decision like getting a FRIGGIN TOOL TO HELP US OUT OF HERE.

It was getting cold... this was a parking garage and we were in an elevator but it was still freezing outside and we were in a cold elevator shaft. My feet felt frozen.

Finally captain crowbar comes back with another "ARE YOU IN HERE"
apparantly captain crowbar forgot which stuck elevator we were in, or completely lost his barings on the way to the crowbar store.
again "YES!!!"

we see a screwdriver the size of a pencil come sliding through the door. Give me a minute! he says. The rock says "HES GOT A FRIGGIN SCREWDRIVER?" we pry open the doors 3 inches again to find him looking in saying "IT NOT WORKING" the rock again: yeah no shit.

Tex gets a little upset at the rock for swearing in front of the kids.
Finally i call 911, i was fed up. I spoke with a firefighter by the name Perez and he informed me that a truck was on the way. The little fire hat lit up INSTANTLY inside the elevator and an alarm was going off.

By this time people were getting antsy. So they started striking up a conversation with one another. Apparantly the buzzer meant we're gonna be ok, lets chat. I didnt get that memo.

So im a listener...

The rock: They better give us free parking.
TEX: hell yeah they should
The rock: we are supposed to go see a play too and we are late, we should get our money back for that too
TEX: hell yeah you should


TEX: We just came all the way up here from peotone... never thought this was gonna happen. This is definitely a first time for me.
Rugrat 2: First time for me too!!!
Rugrat 3: How's santa gonna find us in here
Tourist dad: We wont be in there THAT long son.
TEX: Hey remember in mission impossible when that tom cruise feller went through the celing .

MY INNER THOUGHTS: yeah you go for that tex... im right behind you.
(Tex proceeds to climb up on the elevator side rails and pound on the celing) NOPE... ITS SOLID

TEX: Hey folks... maybe we'll be on the NEWS!!!!
tex's wife: OOOH maybe!!! maybe mayor daley will open the door and give us a key to the city !!!

MY INNER THOUGHTS: you two bit redneck fucks... you dont even have a key to your trailer home, what makes you think getting stuck in an elevator is going to get you on the god damn news or a meeting with the mayor. This is chicago... no one cares that we are in here. People actually are probably PISSED we are in here because they have to walk up the stairs to their cars. Welcome to chicago, merry christmas.

TEX: Hey guys... i gotta knife... will that help get those doors open any faster.
MY INNER THOUGHTS: what if one of us die are you gonna eat us? This isnt alive mother fucker...

TEX: I dont know how you guys are gonna like this but if we arent outta here soon, im gonna HAVE to light up a smoke.
Mrs. Tex: YEA ME TOO.
laughter follows from everyone. I think they thought he was joking.
rugrat 2: BUT DAD... (points to sign) IT SAYS NO SMOKING!!
MY INNER THOUGHTS: yeah it says press here for help too but we all see how well that worked. It should have a picture of a little silouette of an old mexican guy with a screwdriver.

I texted joan "Im stuck in an elevator. im fucked"

Finally we hear sirens... tex again chimes in with "oh man must be a fire somewhere" I couldnt help but to shake my head. The rock backed me with "uhhh i think its for us"
tourist dad: HEY KIDS NOT ONLY DO WE GET A TRIP TO CHICAGO TODAY BUT WE GET TO MEET SOME FIREMAN!!
children cheer.
MY INNER THOUGHTS: you are going to be able to meet some policeman too if you keep talking because im gonna go ape shit in here. I figured they would open it up and id be standing there with bodies all around me. Id keep rugrat #3. He had some good quips.

I get a phone call, its Joan. She had gotten my text message from ealier saying that i was stuck and was downstairs in the lobby. She asked me if i was ok and i said yes. She, like queen latifa said she was watching me on the monitor" I turned up towards the camera and smiled while i said "DO I LOOK HAPPY?" the elevator laughed. It was the first thing i basically said in an hour with these people.

Finally we hear the fireman outside, me and the rock pry it open our usual three inches to see a fireman standing outside asking if we were ok. we all said yes. and i believe rugrat #3 said "yeah now get us outta here!" Im with you kid.

Fireman bob told everyone to stand back.

I heard TEX mumble to mrs. tex " so the kids wouldnt hear.. "You dont think they are gonna blow the door open do ya?"
MY INNER THOUGHTS: Yeah tex, they are gonna strap on some c4 to the fucking doors just like in mission impossible remember? And KABLAMMO... we'll be saved.

The firemen pryed open the doors and finally we saw the floor and 5 other firemen slight above us. WOMEN AND CHILDREN FIRST they yelled. The rock made a funny at this point "What are we on Titanic?" I chuckled inside because i got a visual of Mrs. Tex on a door in the ocean holding tex's hand. ILL NEVER LET GO TEX.... ILL NEVER LET GO!

We help the kids out, then the women, and then the men.

All the while we were getting out i couldnt stop replaying the scene from final destination 2 in my head where the guy gets chopped in half. I would have loved to see TEX'S lower torso slump back into the elevator.

People were out there cheering and clapping as the firemen let us out of our 4x4 prison cell. Nosy fucking tourists clapping for people that got stuck in an elevator that they were rescued. Clapping like they just pulled baby jessica from the god damn well.

I walked down the stairs while everyone else was taking camera phone pictures with the firemen and exchanging emails so they can "GET DEM PICTURES TOO"

I hugged joan and wanted to get out of there. We'll come back downtown another time to see the lights. I just didnt want to be around people anymore. We did get free parking from the lady who was very apologetic.
And then i remembered where we parked, the 11th floor. Bobcat floor.
I began to make the trek up the stairs when the security lady said " you can take this other elevator, its working" I shot the "no thanks... stairs are good" right back at her. She laughed. As im walking up the stairs, i pass the rock and mrs. rock coming down. Gave them the head nod... i pass rugrat 1, 2, and 3 who were waving frantically at me, like i havent seen them in 2 years. And then i hear tex coming down. Tex says " y'all going back up?" Yeah tex... im going back up to floor 2 1/2, climbing back in the elevator, pressing the button, and letting queen latifa know we got out safely.
HERES YOUR SIGN.

We made it to floor 11 and almost collapsed in the stairwell... yeah race to handcock my ass... i could hardly get pass the phantom of the opera and the vagina monologues, but the bobcat floor was waiting. 3 more steps... 2...1... we made it. I sat in my car and just shook my head. What the fuck just happened?

All in all, (i think i ended EVERY college paper with that), it was a hell experience but it makes for a good story, so i can appreciate that.
But i cant stop thinking about how i actually RAN.... to catch that elevator when i first got on.
Needless to say.. i'll be taking the stairs in buildings from now on.

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