Martian

Sissy and Grace could have an ulterior motive. What do I have to gain? Or any of the people here who've told you the same?

It's human nature to let our flaws grow out of proportion in our own mind. For most of my life I'd look in the mirror and see a scrawny guy with glasses; I'm tall and thin and the spectacles bother me to no end. I could never get my hair to do anything that I thought looked halfway decent. It was only after I moved out of my mum's house and started getting dates that my view started to change. I began to wonder what these girls saw that I didn't. And I began to put those flaws in proportion.

I also did what I could to minimize my perceived flaws, but we'll leave that for another discussion as there's not much that you can do about the things you mentioned.

How many girls do you think there are who'd call you crazy for thinking you're too skinny? How many girls do you think there are out there who have back problems and wish they had a smaller chest? These things are big flaws to you, but there are others who not only don't see them as flaws, but see them as desirable.

If you take a quick peek in Sexuality (or even the Titty Board, for that matter) you may notice that everyone seems to have a different ideal. Nobody is going to be universally attractive to everybody, but there are some people who would cause even those who aren't interested in them to say 'she's attractive, but not my type.' As you're not my type, I feel fully comfortable in telling you that you are one of those people.

There is a reason I'm stressing this. Your self-image has a huge effect on your self-confidence. If you can see yourself as beautiful, you'll be able to use that to give yourself a boost in social situations. You'll see why guys want to flirt with you even when they know they don't have a chance, or why a random stranger would show concern over injuries you've sustained (I know the ethics of being more concerned over an attractive person than an unattractive person are a bit distasteful, but that's a can of worms for another discussion). It will make you feel better about yourself. Turning it around, it seems like a big part of why you were as comfortable with Dr. KGB as you were is because you think she's good looking. It goes both ways.

There is being realistic, but pessimism does not equate to realism. It's hard to see that, I know it, but it's true. Accept that you'd like to be a little curvier and accept that you're attractive as you are. After all, a bombshell like Grace could have just about anyone from the sounds of it. What made her choose you, initially? There must be something there, right?

Sissy gave us some valuable information here, but I'm going to try to give you a different way to interpret it.

An exit strategy isn't what you would do, it's what you could do. If you think 'if he attacks me, I'm going to run' you're missing a very important part of the process, because you're limiting yourself to one option. All that will do is displace the anxiety (instead of 'what if he attacks me?' it'll be 'what if he outruns me?').

The missing link here is taking stock. We'll use the man you asked for directions from as an example. You didn't describe your surroundings, but that's not really important for me. What I'd like you to do is go back to that situation now and we'll deconstruct it a bit. Think about what was around you and how it might've worked to your advantage. Was there anybody in earshot? Any busy intersections nearby? How about traffic? Any businesses or homes that were occupied, that you could've taken shelter in if necessary? Was it daylight out? Was the area you were in brightly lit? Was there anything like a wooded area or park nearby where you might've been able to escape and cause him to lose sight of you? Was your cell phone readily available (ie, in a pocket where you could grab it quickly instead of in a purse where you might've had to dig for it)?

Once you start looking at the options you had available to you, you'll realize that he wasn't much of a threat after all. Although physically stronger than you, as the aggressor (especially against a woman) he would've had anyone in the area to contend with in addition to yourself and that tilts the odds strongly in your favour.

Sissy also raised an excellent point about engaging people in conversation. It's true that if you give a person a little bit about you, even just your name, it becomes much harder for that person to objectify you. You become real, so to speak; you cease to be a nameless stranger much the same as Dr. KGB ceased to be a nameless stranger once you knew her name. She suddenly became a person, although this is so ingrained that you may not realize it's happening even if you look for it.

She said it's automatic; to me that says that she does think this way, but that it's so ingrained for her that she doesn't even realize it. Her 'danger radar' is a sign of exactly this sort of thinking. She assesses an individual as a potential risk based on who he is and where they are and if the risk from him is negligible she doesn't give it a second thought. Hell, she doesn't give it a first thought, even. It happens in the background. It's only when the assessment comes out as a potential risk that the flag is raised and she starts taking a more careful look at her surroundings. Over time, you will develop that as well, but it's not something that comes naturally to you. So you'll just have to exert that extra bit of effort to get a handle on it, is all.

Of course it seems counter-intuitive, because it's not how you think. Something intuitive is simply something that's more or less in line with the way our mind already works.

Let's give it context. I'm something of a DIY mechanic and my sister recently called me because her car was running rough. She said she'd talked to another fellow about it who'd told her that he thought it may be an idle speed issue, a common problem with her type of car. But when I asked her what her car was idling at, she couldn't tell me. To me, it seems unnatural not to know, as idle speed is an indicator of a lot of problems with the engine. I could tell you in my sleep that my engine idles at approximatley 950 rpm cold and closer to 750 rpm hot. She has no clue. It's not intuitive for her to monitor that. What's intuitive for her is to call me.

Or put another way; I ride motorcycles and the control scheme on them is completely different from that in a car. But when I'm on a bike, I don't have to think about how to ride it any more than you have to think about how to drive your car; it's intuitive to me, but it would very probably be counter-intuitive to you. Were you to take a course, get your motorcycle license and start riding, it would in all likelihood become intuitive.

I'm sorry Gilda, but I can't give you those answers. You have to find them for yourself. The simple fact is, no two situations are identical. The best I can give you is to say that you ask for service when you begin to think that you may have been overlooked and that you'll know what to say when it comes time for you to say it. That's not to say you're never going to say the wrong thing; it's the human condition, after all. But you need to accept that and go forward anyway. You need to stop trying to control everything and just take it as it comes.

Unfortunately, I can't tell you how to do that, but I promise that as long as you continue to work on this it will come eventually. It may come as a big epiphany or it may develop so gradually that you don't even notice it, but it will come.

Grace has given you a wealth of information here; let's see how we may be able to interpret and apply it now.

She said she enjoyed that bit of embarrassment it caused them and she liked being able to brag about you. I know it seems outlandish now, but as you begin to build up your own sense of self-worth, you'll enjoy bragging too. You'll want to share your accomplishments and take pride in what you've done and who you are. That's perfectly acceptable. You have accomplished a lot and you have every right to be proud of it.

What she said about making errors is absolutely key and it ties in nicely with everything else. Accepting that you will make errors, that they're not a big deal and moving past them will allow you to relax, which will decrease your anxiety a hundredfold. Dr. KGB has informed you that you were a big hit at the party; given that, is it that big a deal in retrospect that you ate your cucumbers or asked for soda? In fact, the soda wasn't even your gaffe; I'm very surprised that a party such as this wouldn't have non-alcoholic drinks on hand. It seems not only to be a social flub to me, it seems irresponsible. But again, that's a discussion for another day.

I'm guessing the next paragraph comes from her. If I'm wrong I applaud you, as that's exactly the type of thinking you want.

I'll share with you how I deal with those sorts of errors on my part. I start by allowing myself a moment of self-doubt and panic. I give myself the liberty to have that internal 'oh shit' moment while keeping a calm exterior. Then I take stock of my situation; is anyone paying attention to me and what I just did? Does anyone seem perturbed about it? If nobody does then I can continue on my way. After all, even if it would've been a big deal had somebody noticed, a gaffe unnoticed is a gaffe unmade. If, on the other hand, somebody does seem bothered by my error, then I now know and can take steps to recover. I can offer apologies and amends and therefore correct the error. Either way, I have a system in place to deal with the issue if it arises and therefore I don't need to cause myself continual stress.

This may work for you or it may not. It's okay if it doesn't; remember that I have my own way of looking at the world, which is in all probability very different from yours.

Be careful with the flirting thing; that Grace and Sissy enjoy it doesn't mean that you have to. If it doesn't interest you or sets off your conscience, then don't feel like you have to do it. However, what they said is a perfect example of how you can approach a social interaction. You know you have some interesting subjects, so you know that you have something to offer in a conversation.

Note that the word 'interesting' is subjective; you can't know for sure if something is going to be interesting to an individual or not. Comics are a good example; you can go to wherever you buy from and talk comics with the guys there all day long, because you know it's a shared interest. With the rest of the world, it's a bit less certain. There are people such as myself who may take a passing interest in the subject but don't collect or follow storylines very closely and there are others who have no interest in the subject at all. You don't really know how someone will react until you bring it up. If you begin to see that the individual you're discussing the topic with isn't interested, then you can know that that's not something for them and allow them to redirect the conversation.

For the time being, I'd suggest allowing the other individual steer the conversation for the most part. I read about your interaction with the young girl at the place you volunteer for and you showed an amazing skill there; without thinking about it or wondering what the proper thing to say was, you mirrored her. She mentioned an injury, you mentioned an injury. She mentioned her hair, you mentioned your hair. It was done in jest, but that skill can be applied to nearly every conversation you have. Take what the other person says to you, look at how you can relate to it and share that. It will allow you to connect.

You're an educator, which means that you probably have the skills necessary already. It's not even a question of developing them, because the things you're trying to do in your day-to-day life are almost cerainly things that you do in the classroom without even thinking about it. A big part of teaching is knowing how to make a subject interesting and most of that is knowing how to read the interest level within the class and change tactics accordingly. You may not agree with me, but I suspect that when you're teaching you find that no two sessions are exactly alike, even if they cover exactly the same subject matter. You interact with the class, gauge their reaction and compensate for it.That's exactly what you're trying to develop outside the classroom, although you may not realize it because in class it's so natural to you that you don't even notice you're doing it.

Don't for one second think that you have to be a social butterfly. I suspect that one thing we have in common is that we'd both prefer to curl up with a good book rather than go out to a big party. It's okay to be a quiet person who doesn't want or need that. The part that you're getting into trouble with is that your aversion to social situations is currently so strong that you end up with a lot of stress and anxiety over these things. That, needless to say, is less than desirable.

I'm glad to see you're letting Grace and Sissy help you with this; it really does look like they're going to be able to give you a lot of really valuable insight.

As you've rightly pointed out, if it were easy it would hardly be worth doing. It's a challenge, but it's a worthy one.

Be careful not to overdo it, either. You have to give yourself the time to relax and not worry about it too much. Burning out on this is not going to help. You've done a lot of good so far and you've put a lot of hard work into it; don't be afraid to give yourself a weekend to stay in and not think about all of this.

It seems I always end up writing these great long missives for you. I apologize; I'm trying not to give you too much at a time, because it's a lot to digest and you do want to take your time with it. I just tend to get a bit carried away and write more than I plan.

In any case, you're very welcome to the feedback and help I'm providing. It really is it's own reward.

__________________
I wake up in the morning more tired than before I slept
I get through cryin' and I'm sadder than before I wept
I get through thinkin' now, and the thoughts have left my head
I get through speakin' and I can't remember, not a word that I said

- Ben Harper, Show Me A Little Shame