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Originally Posted by J.R.V.A.
Thanks for reading,your comments, and I will.
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She didn't seem crazy to me
though she seemed nice. The other side is where Swifty
and Carol would park and talk to their man friends.
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This was the only thing that really stuck out as being out of place to me. You need punctuation between "me" and "though" to indicate a pause.
I didn't have a problem with the way you wrote it - especially since kids don't think in full-on prose like adults do. It sounded to me like a little kid was telling the story, which I believe you were aiming at. In fact if you were going for strong literary prose you'd have written "On the other side Swifty and Carol would park and talk. . . ," but instead you chose "The other side is where Swifty and Carol would park. . .
" which, to me, sounds much more like what a little kid would say.