This is a beautiful piece Lilly.
The only alteration I would make would be removal the word "the" from some of the lines. With poetry, you tend to want each word to have a distinct place, and the word "the" isn't really useful in some of the lines. I think if you were to remove the extra "the"s then this poem would be absolutely perfect.
For instance:
Quote:
You imagine me riding across thin rows of fields
that run through woods along the tree lines
where the bullfrogs sing among the cypress trees
in the cool dimness of the cloudy afternoon.
A strand of lightening reaches to the treetops
where the wind whips the leaves like ivory lace
against the hyacinthine blue of the rain clouds
And the soft rain follows with its silver shadow
streaking across these barren bedroom walls.
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I think this would sound stronger as:
Quote:
You imagine me riding across thin rows of fields
that run through woods along tree lines
where bullfrogs sing among cypress trees
in the cool dimness of the cloudy afternoon.
A strand of lightening reaches to the treetops
where wind whips leaves like ivory lace
against the hyacinthine blue of rain clouds
And the soft rain follows with its silver shadow
streaking across these barren bedroom walls.
|
The only tricky bit of this is deciding which "the"s are useful and which are not.
Your imagery is beautiful, and the poem (I hate to say this, I hated it when teachers said it, but it's true) sort of gives me shivers. This may very well be the most beautiful poem I've ever read.
Please please please post more of your work. I'm amazed.