Rodney

Cyn, I can top you. When my _father_ died, I didn't care. And I haven't missed him a bit since. Nevertheless, I tried to stay on reasonable terms with him for the sake of my mother, through his later life and through the bout of cancer that eventually ended it.

So my question is this: would going through the motions for this person be of help to anybody you care about? I mean, of real help? My mom harbored (and still does) illusions that we were all one big happy family, and we never were; but we went out there a lot during Dad's last months, even though it's a day-long trip, mainly just to give Mom the support she needed.

If paying the respects would actually help your father or someone else you'd care about, I'd say yes -- for the funeral. Because funerals are for the living, who need support. (Frankly, some of the best parties my extended family ever threw were funeral receptions, because we all sensed it was time to close ranks and connect.)

But "last respects" in the hospital are for the dying. And if you don't have any respect to pay to her, don't pay it. "Respects" are earned through the connections and feelings one person harbors for another. Sounds like she never felt you were important or valuable; maybe just a baby-sitting obligation, or worse, furniture. No reason you should pretend otherwise by dropping everything to fly cross-country for her dying breath; frankly, your presence _still_ won't mean much to her.

I do sympathize with the harbored resentments. It sounds like you were a "good boy," as I was. You took the consequences of your elders' flawed behavior obediently, as you were told you were supposed to. And now you're still sitting on the anger. Would have been better, all those years ago, if you'd just stolen one of those ensaymadas and run off with it. Sure, you'd have been in the doghouse. But at least the family would have asked Grandma, "Why don't you ever...." and some form of truth would have lodged itself in the family consciousness. I say this as somebody who should have done roughly the same thing, 'way back when.

[Edit: just read your last message, Cyn, which must have been posted about when mine was. I reiterate: do respond in any way that you feel will support your dad. But that's the limit of your obligation.]