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Cyn, you know that I am fresh from my maternal Thai grandmother dying of cancer in the last month. I struggled over whether or not I had time and money to attend the funeral. I visited her three times since she got sick; she lived in my family home for the last 10+ years of my life, and was practically a second mother to me. If I was not in graduate school and could have afforded it, I would have gone home to visit her even more often, and been at her side in the last days if possible.
As it was, it wasn't until a few days before the funeral that ktspktsp noticed a pang in my heart, even though I had already concluded a month before that I would not be able to go for the funeral. He saw that there was a small bit of time opened in my schedule that week, and told me that if there was any way for me to set aside a few days to go, he would pay for the trip. He knew I would have regretted not going. He knows me better than myself, at times. So I went.
Why do I tell you this? To say that for the relationship I had with my grandmother, I needed to go. What I didn't realize until I got there was that I also needed to go for the sake of BEING with my Asian family during their loss (yes, we had quite a bit of drama at the funeral too... damn, that was painful). That part had little to do with my grandmother, and everything to do with being a part of my Thai half, an experience I rarely get. This was my individual experience.
It was also not that far away (as yours)... I traveled about 15 hours one-way, but that's because I'm in hicktown PA and had to drive to Philly, then fly to San Fran and then to Seattle. If it had been in Thailand, I could not have gone.
I think for you, it seems obvious that you do not want to honor the relationship you had with her, becaus she never honored it with you. I think that if you were to go, the only reason would be to be with your family there, to help them grieve, to sit through their drama and just be a part of the family. It doesn't mean you are condoning your grandmother's behavior.
But then again, if you don't feel close to any of those family members either, and also it's a DAMN long trip there... well, I wouldn't hold it against you. And if they love you, they shouldn't either. It is your decision, to know what you would regret more. Going, or not going? Either way, we respect you here.
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And think not you can direct the course of Love;
for Love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.
--Khalil Gibran
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