|
Originally Posted by Martian
I'm not sure I understand what your friend is saying.
She has a decision to make. She has to decide if she wants to be with you, or more accurately, if she wants it badly enough to take the risks involved. She has a very negative image of relationships right now I gather, at least ones involving her. This is partly due to her mother, partly due to never having had one (it's that 'what's wrong with me?' syndrome again) and partly due to various other factors as have been mentioned. Dating you is going against that image and, in her mind, taking a risk. So when she feels a very natural attraction to you, she's conflicted.
You have to let her know that you're interested and that this is her choice to make. If she doesn't know there's a choice to be made, how can she possibly make it? And if she doesn't make it, it'll default to friendship. Consider the last thing she said to you on that (rather disastrous) night. I don't remember the exact wording, but it was something to the effect of 'I guess it'll be awkward in club now?' That sounds to me like she's closing a door. Or that she thinks it is closed, which means she may be cutting herself off without even knowing it. You have to let her know that you're still available to her, romantically, that you haven't given up.
Remember what I said about the difference between giving her space and giving her air? I do not in any way think you should run away, or leave her to her own devices or any of that. You definitely want to make your presence felt, but you don't want to pressure her. The bottom line is that no matter how badly you want to help her come to a decision, you simply can't. That's something she has to do on her own. She is taking a big risk here. Is it valid? I don't know, but I'm guessing probably not. You seem to me like the kind of guy who will be considerate of her grades and home life and won't try to interfere or cause her trouble. But even if it's not valid, even if it's not real, it's real to her. In her mind, it's a threat to her potential success and there is absolutely nothing you can do or say to convince her otherwise. Sorry, but that's how it goes. She's been damaged. Her mother, with the best of intentions, has instilled a fear in her that goes against what she feels, what's very natural for someone in her age and position to feel. There are exactly two people who even have a chance of fixing that damage and even if her mother is interested in doing so (probably not) she still may not be able to at this point. That leaves it down to her and her alone. You can't work through this with her. You can't help her. If she wants to talk about it, you can talk about it and you absolutely should. If she decides she does want you, then you should (obviously) go ahead with that. If she asks you for something and it's in you power to give, by all means give it to her. But there is no way that you can help her if she doesn't ask you for help. I know it's hard to accept, but it's the truth and if you try you're only going to frustrate yourself at best and at worst ause even more strain, possibly even damage things beyond repair.
Right from the start, remember I told you that this is going to take time and it's going to be a lot of work. I suggested then that you had the decision to make as to whether she's worth it and you decided that she is. That's not a set in stone decision; if it becomes too much for you, you can change your mind. But if you're willing to commit, commit. Don't try to rush things along because of what you want with her and don't try to find an easy answer, because there isn't one.
|