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Originally Posted by lurkette
Keep in mind that it is difficult to relax when you are constantly on the lookout for how you are failing instead of being present to the experience of the moment. You are "embarassed" waiting to happen, and you are so on the lookout for anything that might qualify as "embarassing" that your perceptions skew that way and you are all but guaranteed to find something to be embarassed about.
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I didn't think of it at the time as looking for me to be embarrassed, so much as I was trying to monitor what I was doing so that I wouldn't repeat the same mistakes the next time. I was trying to treat the party as a learning experience, because I knew going in I probably wasn't going to enjoy it, and at the same time, monitoring my emotional state as much as I could.
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It sounds pollyanna-ish, but try being "happy waiting to happen" or "compassionate waiting to happen." That is, you could try to be tuned into another state of being - start keeping score about how many times in an encounter you experience being happy or compassionate or some other characteristic that is positive instead of negative. You're going to find whatever you're looking for, so why not look for something positive?
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Ah, well I think I was monitoring my emotional state. I did note the moments of happiness, when I was watching Grace and Dr. KGB enjoying themselves and laughing. I really enjoyed that. It's just that there were far fewer of those than the embarrassing ones, the ones when people made fun of me--in one case for being embarrassed, how insensitive do you have to be to make fun of someone whose already so embarrassed that she's blushing? That's pretty much the definition of pouring salt in a wound) and the guys hitting on me, or the horrifying one when Mrs. Departmenthead tried to insist on taking my picture in front of a crowd.
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An example from my own life: The "me" in my head who is not really "me" is convinced I am ugly and people avoid me because I am funny-looking. Don't bother to argue with me; when this is true, it's Capital-T True and nothing you say can convince me otherwise. When I'm in this mindset, at swing dances, I compare how frequently the pretty girls get danced with and by whom they get asked to dance, and if I don't get asked to dance I am positive it is because I'm ugly and who would want to dance with me when they have pretty people around instead. (Never mind that it probably has nothing to do with any of that. It's not always about me.) Anyhow, I saw myself heading down this path on Saturday and instead decided to notice how many times I was musical and was able to improvise to the music with my partner. With my attention on something else, I didn't think about who was dancing with whom, or why. I wasn't thinking about my appearance, I was thinking about being expressive and musical. If I messed up, it was just an excuse to try again. It becomes a game, and a self-fulfilling one. One little positive feedback (a little kick I added to the end of a step) encourages you to look for more opportunities (where can I throw in that slide I learned?), which encourages you to CREATE more positive feedback (look, I threw in that slide and it was perfectly timed!). Bottom line, I had a good time and left hating neither myself nor the pretty girls 
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Well, I don't know what you look like, so I can't argue with you, so I'll just accept that your assessment that your view of yourself gets distorted. I know that I tend to envy the girls that have breasts and hips and big expressive eyes that don't disappear into tiny slits when they smile. Like Grace. But I've never had a distorted body view; I've spent a long, long time looking at women both for comparison and for aesthetic appreciation, and I come out somewhere around average most of the time, maybe moderately pretty when I'm wearing the right clothes. I'm fortunately in a situation where how nice I look is of little consequence.
Also, good for you. I don't dance anything fast; I was absent the day they taught graceful.
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Anyhow, it's a good exercise to try controlling your own emotional state.
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I'll see if I can remember to try it at the next party.
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I'm full of silly exercises like this, but sometimes you have to do whatever it takes to reset your brain wiring.
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Thank you for the advice. I'll try it at the next party if I decide to go. I may decide to just use some of that "why care what the others think" assertiveness up front and say no to the Christmas party. I haven't decided yet. I'll also need to think of some positive thing to focus on.
Gilda