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Originally Posted by Gilda
1. Mistake: We arrived at 6:00 for a party that starts at 6:00.
Analysis: This, more than anything else, seems bizarre to me. If you actually want your guests to show up at 6:30, why say 6:00?
[Grace answers: Because that's how it's done.]
Solution: Show up 30 minutes late, which is really on time  |
Grace is right. This *is* just how it is. Everyone does it so you just adjust accordingly. Nothing to overprocess.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
2. Mistake: I asked the maid to call me Gilda.
Analysis: This one's easy. Don't ask the servants to call me by my first name. They have their rules to follow, and even if I don't understand them and think they're stupid rules, they have no choice, so I'm doing them a favor by making things easy for them. I wasn't following the script by asking her to call me by my first name.
Solution: Let servants call me by my last name and title.
Side note: It was nice that she called Grace Mrs. Nakamura without hesitation or indication that it was the least bit unusual.
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No big deal. Not a mistake worth worrying about. Rather it's something to file away for later. Yes, they are stupid rules. I have problems with servants as well, I am much more likely to want to serve myself. This is one of those "when in Rome, do as the Romans" kind of rules. You were at a special event. Just go with it. This is not a hard and fast rule, as the Nakamura's servants show.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
3. Mistake: I asked for a soft drink at a formal dinner party. I then compounded the mistake by telling the maid that she didn't need to send out for some, making her further uncomfortable. People proceeded to make fun of me for walking around with Pepsi in a wine glass all evening long.
Analysis: Pure ignorance on my part, and probably a little bit of arrogance to assume that everyone keeps soft drinks around for a party.
Solution: In the future, I'll just ask for water, which should be a nice safe choice, and which will deprive the other guests of a convenient target for their jokes.
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Mistake? Fah! If any mistake was made it was made by your host when they didn't anticipate their guest's needs. You don't drink and would have prefered a non-alcoholic beverage. A good host always keeps a selection of soft drinks handy. As for them making fun of your choice of beverage... fuck them. Seriously. This is where self-confidence is handy. The moment you don't care what they think is the moment it doesn't matter what you are drinking.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
4. Mistake: I told them that I collect comic books, then elaborated on that.
Analysis: I could have walked into the party wearing my Supergirl outfit and not looked like so much of a nerd. Now normally I don't mind being thought of as a nerd, geek, dork, spaz, whatever term you want to use, because, well, I am. But I didn't have to go announcing it to these people, thus setting myself apart from them, showing them how I'm different when one of the goals was to fit in as much as possible. You wouldn't believe the number of times I had to say the same thing twice, as in, "Yes, I really do have nearly 15,000 comic books," or "Yes, they really do make hardback comic books."
Solution: Avoid the subject in the future.
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This is a choice you will have to make. You are who you are. If they react oddly to the fact that you collect comics, just shrug it off. You can either change the subject or toss it back... It is, after all, thanks in large part to this collection that you have the position at the University. Their ignorance at the importance of pop culture isn't your fault. It's their short coming not yours.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
5. Mistake: I introduced myself as "Gilda Nakamura".
Analysis: Half the guys I talked to asked right afterwards, "Is Dr. Nakamura your husband?' I don't get the obsession with using the Dr. title. To be fair, Dr. KGB did warn me about this, and I didn't listen, but it makes no sense. It's a job qualification, not an indicator of status. Grace doesn't ask people to call her Nurse Nakamura or Master Nakamura. After watching the guests I can kinda see what might lead to the assumption. The men tended to mostly be married, some to a woman about their own age, typically in their 40's or 50's, but with a significant number married to very attractive young women in their 20's. In fact, I'd guess I was the only woman in her 20's at the party who wasn't a spouse. Add to that that everyone seemed to assume I was five or six years younger than my actual age, and that according to Grace when she'd introduce herself she was assumed to be Dr. Nakamura until she corrected them, and it seems obvious that this was just a stupid mistake on my part. Dr. KGB was the only other female faculty member under 50 there; she wasn't exaggerating on that one. So maybe it was a fair assumption that I was simply a younger second wife of one of the professors.
Solution: Introduce myself as Dr. Nakamura. Don't try to understand it, just do it.
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Stick with Gilda Nakamura. If they ask if you are the wife of Dr. Nakamura just reply no, "I am Dr. Nakamura". That would have cleared it up nicely. You look young, people are going to make this assumption. It's no big deal. Don't over analyze it. Eventually everyone will know who you are and it won't be such a big deal.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
6. Mistake: I ate my plate of cucumber slices.
Analysis: This is what we do with a plate of cucumber slices at home. How was I supposed to know that they were there to "cleanse the palatte" in between courses?
Solution: Don't eat the cucumber slices.
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Ahh whatever. You are at fancy dinner party where the rules are stupid and no one who hasn't been raised or subjected to these things on an annual basis would know what to do... I don't like cucumbers so I would have had an uncleansed palate... big deal. Just move on and don't sweat the little things.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
7. Mistake: I didn't anticipate that guys would try to flirt with me at a dinner party.
Analysis: This still seems to me not to make sense. Why would someone flirt with a married stranger of the wrong orientation for them? I didn't see any of the guys flirting with each other, it makes no more sense to flirt with me after knowing I'm gay. Though puzzling, I don't really find that part offensive. Flirting with a married person I do find insulting, for reasons I've stated before.
[Sissy's analysis]: For God's sake Gilda, how could you not expect the guys to flirt with you? Half of them have probably never even met a lesbian before, and here you are, looking like that, and then you're saying, "I have regular sex with the Asian goddess over there, the one in the low cut black dress and fuck me heels, with the centerfold body which is just as spectacular as you'd imagine, and oh yeah, she's a nurse. Yeah, I know, that's not what you said, but that's what they heard, and that's what they were thinking. Hell, Gilda, some of those guys probably have Grace's poster hanging on their walls at home. if you're at the New Year's party, half the guys are going to be watching you and Grace at midnight instead of kissing their own dates. Telling them you're gay and married to that particular woman wasn't a deterrent, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. [end Sissy's analysis]
In retrospect, perhaps I should have anticipated this.
Solution: I got nothing. Ignore it, maybe?
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Sissy is right. You are cute. You are a lesbian. You are new. Harmless flirtation is how people frequently show interest. It's only when someone actully hits on you that you should be concerned. Remember, everyone else was also drinking. Alcohol loosens the tongue. They were just being playful. No need to be upset about it.
Let's put it this way... if you were to suddenly warm to the advance and become suggestive in the reverse... 9.5/10 times they would have chickened out. It is just another form of playful social interation. Nothing to be offended by... They are married, they know you are married and therefore it is a safe practice. If they really wanted to hit on you they wouldn't do it at that party where everyone could see. They would get you alone at school and ask you out.
As for your comment on Big... yes, the people did make fun of him but you missed the lesson of the film. He was just himself. He was like a breath of fresh air into that stultified milleu. Eventually he connected with a couple of people who while they still thought he was odd, appeciated him for who he was. AND he was the better man for it... (just forget the part where he becomes a boy again).
What I was trying to say is that, you don't have the years of built up lessons of social interaction that most of us have. Use this to your advantage. Treat this all like one big anthropological study and learn.
Most important... don't worry what other people think. This was and is still my biggest challenge. As a kid who was picked on for much of his young life I am constantly aware of other people and what they are thinking. I have struggled with it but have found that the best way over this is to just not care what they think.