Ok, so I need to interact, make mistakes, and learn the proper social cues from those mistakes. So let's look at the mistakes I made at the party, and see how I can avoid making the same mistakes in the future:
1. Mistake: We arrived at 6:00 for a party that starts at 6:00.
Analysis: This, more than anything else, seems bizarre to me. If you actually want your guests to show up at 6:30, why say 6:00?
[Grace answers: Because that's how it's done.]
Solution: Show up 30 minutes late, which is really on time
2. Mistake: I asked the maid to call me Gilda.
Analysis: This one's easy. Don't ask the servants to call me by my first name. They have their rules to follow, and even if I don't understand them and think they're stupid rules, they have no choice, so I'm doing them a favor by making things easy for them. I wasn't following the script by asking her to call me by my first name.
Solution: Let servants call me by my last name and title.
Side note: It was nice that she called Grace Mrs. Nakamura without hesitation or indication that it was the least bit unusual.
Side note 2: Part of my problem was that the Nakamuras' servants routinely call everyone in her family by the first name except for Mr. Nakamura, and they called me Miss [lastname] exactly once on our first visit, and after I said, "Call me Gilda" they did and seemed more comfortable doing so. The problem was that I was trying to transfer to a formal dinner party in a different subculture. Faulty reasoning on my part, all my fault.
3. Mistake: I asked for a soft drink at a formal dinner party. I then compounded the mistake by telling the maid that she didn't need to send out for some, making her further uncomfortable. People proceeded to make fun of me for walking around with Pepsi in a wine glass all evening long.
Analysis: Pure ignorance on my part, and probably a little bit of arrogance to assume that everyone keeps soft drinks around for a party.
Solution: In the future, I'll just ask for water, which should be a nice safe choice, and which will deprive the other guests of a convenient target for their jokes.
4. Mistake: I told them that I collect comic books, then elaborated on that.
Analysis: I could have walked into the party wearing my Supergirl outfit and not looked like so much of a nerd. Now normally I don't mind being thought of as a nerd, geek, dork, spaz, whatever term you want to use, because, well, I am. But I didn't have to go announcing it to these people, thus setting myself apart from them, showing them how I'm different when one of the goals was to fit in as much as possible. You wouldn't believe the number of times I had to say the same thing twice, as in, "Yes, I really do have nearly 15,000 comic books," or "Yes, they really do make hardback comic books."
Solution: Avoid the subject in the future.
5. Mistake: I introduced myself as "Gilda Nakamura".
Analysis: Half the guys I talked to asked right afterwards, "Is Dr. Nakamura your husband?' I don't get the obsession with using the Dr. title. To be fair, Dr. KGB did warn me about this, and I didn't listen, but it makes no sense. It's a job qualification, not an indicator of status. Grace doesn't ask people to call her Nurse Nakamura or Master Nakamura. After watching the guests I can kinda see what might lead to the assumption. The men tended to mostly be married, some to a woman about their own age, typically in their 40's or 50's, but with a significant number married to very attractive young women in their 20's. In fact, I'd guess I was the only woman in her 20's at the party who wasn't a spouse. Add to that that everyone seemed to assume I was five or six years younger than my actual age, and that according to Grace when she'd introduce herself she was assumed to be Dr. Nakamura until she corrected them, and it seems obvious that this was just a stupid mistake on my part. Dr. KGB was the only other female faculty member under 50 there; she wasn't exaggerating on that one. So maybe it was a fair assumption that I was simply a younger second wife of one of the professors.
Solution: Introduce myself as Dr. Nakamura. Don't try to understand it, just do it.
6. Mistake: I ate my plate of cucumber slices.
Analysis: This is what we do with a plate of cucumber slices at home. How was I supposed to know that they were there to "cleanse the palatte" in between courses?
Solution: Don't eat the cucumber slices.
7. Mistake: I didn't anticipate that guys would try to flirt with me at a dinner party.
Analysis: This still seems to me not to make sense. Why would someone flirt with a married stranger of the wrong orientation for them? I didn't see any of the guys flirting with each other, it makes no more sense to flirt with me after knowing I'm gay. Though puzzling, I don't really find that part offensive. Flirting with a married person I do find insulting, for reasons I've stated before.
[Sissy's analysis]: For God's sake Gilda, how could you not expect the guys to flirt with you? Half of them have probably never even met a lesbian before, and here you are, looking like
that, and then you're saying, "I have regular sex with the Asian goddess over there, the one in the low cut black dress and fuck me heels, with the centerfold body which is just as spectacular as you'd imagine, and oh yeah, she's a
nurse. Yeah, I know, that's not what you said, but that's what they heard, and that's what they were thinking. Hell, Gilda, some of those guys probably have Grace's poster hanging on their walls at home. if you're at the New Year's party, half the guys are going to be watching you and Grace at midnight instead of kissing their own dates. Telling them you're gay and married to that particular woman wasn't a deterrent, it was like throwing gasoline on a fire. [end Sissy's analysis]
In retrospect, perhaps I should have anticipated this.
Solution: I got nothing. Ignore it, maybe?
I'm tired. I'll see if I can think of more tomorrow. Alternate solutions or interpretations are welcome.
Gilda
edit: ratbastid, I just saw your latest post when I posted this. I'll think about and get back to you.