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Originally Posted by Charlatan
The simple answer to this? With practice. Those of us who have experience in socializing learn to see the cues that tell us when we think someone is being genuine or not. The way we learn these cues is by, as Cynthetiq points out, making mistakes.
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So there's no easy way? Just painful trial and error? Dang.
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Yep. You have to put yourself out there and try to connect with people. Sometimes those connections will amount to nothing... sometimes great friendships and sometimes... something negative. I can safely say that the negatives are few and far between and that there is a lot of small talk that happens between putting yourself out there and finding friends.
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I guess I'll just have to take your word for it. This seems counter to my experience.
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I should also point out that most people learn this behaviour as kids. You are going through it now so it's a bit tougher because most of the people with whom you are interacting are already adept at their tools of interaction (think Tom Hanks in Big when he attends the Christmas party if that helps).
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As I recall, he really didn't care what anyone thought of him and didn't know the rules, and everyone thought he was strange because of that.
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The most important thing, and I know this is probably hard for you, is to just let go. Chat with these people as you would chat with your students. Be the person you are here. Don't worry if you make a mistake. Mistakes are an opportunity to learn (make it a mantra).
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I can't talk to adults the way I would a seven year old. Look at my coversation up there. If I talked to an adult like did the girl up there in post #88, they'd think I was an idiot. Plus, the great thing about kids is that they don't judge. If you're funny and friendly and nice, they like you.
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What the worst thing that could happen? Someone will laugh? Most times they will think they are laughing with you because they will assume you know the social cue you just tripped over... brush it off and move on. Better yet, learn to laugh at yourself.
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Ah people laughing at me. One of my least favorite things.
I see that that would be a good thing, but I have no idea how to do that.
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Be yourself. Don't over analyze.
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The first sentence contradicts the second. Analyzing is being myself
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Gilda