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Originally Posted by JustJess
Gilda, may I give you the POV of the random chatter? I am often that person - I will engage a person I don't know, ask questions, etc. And I swear, I mean no harm. See, the extroverted types like moi are often unintentionally difficult. We think we're being nice! I would bet good money - no, GREAT money - that she is seeing a new woman in her area, similar education, similar age range, brand new and can see that you're a bit shy, so she's making the overtures. She's being FRIENDLY.
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I understand she was being friendly. My question at the time was about
why was she being friendly.
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She's thinking, "Oh, Dr. Nakamura doesn't know anyone yet, hasn't started classes, let me help her get adjusted, let her know she's got an ally to help her with all this new stuff." We see someone who acts like they're feeling out of place or awkward, especially if we're comfortable in the surroundings, and we want to help. That's it. If I see someone with a lost expression in my building, or on the sidewalk by work (we have several buildings next to each other), I'll just stop and ask if they need any help. I have NO ulterior motives, I just like helping people. It's fun sometimes, sometimes I meet someone new and interesting, and I always feel better about my day and my karma. I'd bet she's similar.
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Ok, that makes sense. I didn't know people did that. I mean, Grace and Sissy do nice things for me because they love me. Some person I've never met before has no reason to be nice to me unless they're getting something out of the interaction.
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Don't worry about feeling like you're using her. One, we all use our friends for different things whether we realize it or not. Two, she's offering to be used that way.
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I was going to say I don't think we all do that with friends, but I've never had any friends I wasn't related to, so I'd be arguing from a position of ignorance. The closest I've ever come was the guys in my comic club, and one or two of the male teachers at work, but none of them were really friends.
I had Katie for my first 16 years, and that's all I needed. She acted as my confidant, tried to shield me from our parents when she could, and was social enough that we had friends who enjoyed hanging out with us, but it became clear after she died that "our" friends were really all her friends, and I was just along for the ride. I've had Grace for the last four years, or closing in on five now, but we were lovers before we were friends, so that doesn't really count either.
Note, I am not trying to defend the status quo, not arguing with you, just explaining my thoughts on the subject.
How can you tell if someone's being nice to get something from you, and being nice just to be nice? I've been a remarkably poor judge of that in the past. I still don't like the idea of using someone for my benefit, even if they're offering, because then I'd be placing myself in that first group.
Gilda