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Cynthetiq · 11-24-2005, 11:21 AM

from today's NYTimes, I read this and immediately thought of analog and this thread...

Quote:

November 24, 2005
Party Gone Bad: Blame the Parents
By JOYCE WADLER
LINK
THE rules are ever-changing in the world of holiday parties and kids, although happily, one thing remains constant: One's own children are always much better behaved than anyone else's.

Similarly, one's own manners are impeccable.

You, for example, would never dream of taking your 4-year-old to a grown-up house party unless the invitation specifically stated, "Children Welcome." Or unless you understood that since it was a holiday party, held on a Sunday at 4 p.m., children were of course welcome. And what a surprise, when you arrive, to find 1) yours is the only adorable 4-year-old in the apartment; 2) the hostess, clearly less cultivated than you ever imagined, does not have a copy of "Monsters, Inc." or "Finding Nemo" in the house and 3) despite their awareness that you have a child, indeed have had a child for four years, they do not have a single box of Juicy Juice in their house.

And so, as a reminder to everyone who should know better, a few ironclad rules regarding holiday entertainment and children.

1) If the invitation does not specify that it is a family event or that children are invited, you should not ask to bring them to a party.

Both Kate Spade, author of "Manners," "Style" and "Occasions," and Carol McD. Wallace, author of "Elbows Off the Table, Napkin in The Lap, No Video Game During Dinner," agree on this one. Ms. Wallace says that it appears to her that children are showing up more at adult functions.

"Art openings," Ms. Wallace says. "Why would you take a child to an art opening, where they cannot possibly be enjoying themselves under any circumstances? To BAM, to see a play in Swedish? Those are things that people in New York actually do. What was going on in their heads when they bought the seat for the child?"

Asked if she has seen something bad happen when the generations are forced to socialize at a formal dinner, she says yes - although she'll have to disguise the parties at the party.

"The parents couldn't get a baby sitter and the child, let's say an exuberant child, is dragged along. Things came out of this child's mouth that I was astounded by: let's say threatening to kick an adult in a very tender spot. And the parents just laughed."

2) Of course, if you really, really want to go to the party, that's another matter.

There are events in the lives of New Yorkers that are just too terrific to pass up. So it was with Emily Prager, the author of "Wuhu Diary: On Taking My Adopted Daughter Back to Her Hometown in China," and her invitation to attend a party in honor of Martin Amis some years back. Unable to get a sitter, Ms. Prager attended with her young daughter.

"Lulu was 2 or 3 at the time," she says. "It's the period in a person's life when the most exciting thing that can happen to you is to be able to climb stairs, where climbing of stairs is all you want to do. We went to this beautiful townhouse with a lovely staircase and I'll never forget having to spend the whole evening climbing up and down stairs instead of talking to chic people.

"It's not that she behaved badly," Ms. Prager concluded, "but what they will do is behave like little children."

3) Did we mention that if both you and the hostess have little kids and know each other from preschool, and you assume that she assumes you will bring your kid to her 5 p.m. Sunday event, it is O.K. to call and ask, and you probably should?

Just checking.

4) Anyway, the hostess can always say no.

"I can't say no to anything," says Dale Burg, a Manhattan writer with an adult son, who gives large New Year's Day parties. "That would explain why I had five overnight guests this weekend, and a guest for a month."

So how does she respond when people ask if they can bring their kids?

"I'll say" - and here she pauses - " 'Um, sure,' hoping the slight hesitation will indicate there will be a lot of people and no place for kids."

5) If you're French, you might be able to pull it off.

Anka Muhlstein, the historian and biographer, who is married to the novelist and lawyer Louis Begley, remembers a very formal dinner party she was planning at La Grenouille for a Japanese client of her husband's law firm.

"The wife of a partner had a newborn, something like 3 months, and she said, 'Do you think I could bring the baby? I am sure Mr. and Mrs. So and So would like to see her,' " said Ms. Muhlstein, who has five grown children and five grandchildren. "I said I don't think it's acceptable. I felt bad she couldn't quite see it. In this generation mothers think they can't leave their children with a baby sitter."

"I think they are much more protective, much less selfish," Mr. Begley says. "I was quite selfish when I had my children and quite happy to leave them at home. Couldn't wait."

6) An inspired idea from the burbs.

"I got an invitation that said, "Nobody under 4½ feet tall, even though we love them,' " said Jessica Seessel, the mother of a toddler and an adjunct professor of literature, who lives in Dobbs Ferry. "We haven't gotten a whole lot of ambiguous invitations. Sometimes they'll say something like, 'Book your babysitters early.' "

7) So now that we're all here, for better or worse, remember it's the host's duty to provide entertainment for the kids.

"It's either a kid party or it is not a kid party," says Andrea Kimerling, a stay-at-home mother who lives in Dobbs Ferry. "It can't be halfway. Then you have a couple of kids standing around bored, and no longer can kids be bored at a party. These days there has to be some sort of allotment for kids, even if it's hiring a teenager to do freeze dance."

8) Urinating on the floor is never in style.

"There was a kid, probably 2, who really liked to be naked," says a Manhattan woman who requests anonymity, recalling an elegant party. "He took off his clothes and ran around. Then he urinated on the floor. His parents thought it was really funny. It's sort of sad this behavior is tolerated."

9) Sort of? Sort of?

Excuse us, we became unhinged for a moment.

10) A good hostess provides kid-friendly food. And if your little guest announces, "I hate chicken fingers," you have options at the ready.

No need to panic, though - these days, mothers often bring their own coolers of food. It's the mothers, in some cases, who are the picky ones.

"Generally, I find I haven't gone wrong with pasta with butter," says Patty Nasey, who was an associate publisher of Jane magazine and has two young kids, speaking of her younger guests' tastes. "It's the parents that are going, 'Is that whole wheat?' 'Is that organic milk?' "

Ms. Prager has also dealt with the exacting culinary needs of toddlers. "I served ham sandwiches," she said. "One kid said, 'I can't eat that, I'm a vegetarian.' He was 5 years old. "

Now Ms. Prager always has backup food. Everything grown-ups liked when they were kids, kids still like, she says. Except peanut butter, which is a big allergy food.

As I read this all I can think of is how when some of our couple friends have kids we may just have to part ways... I'm not willing to think it's sort of sad that some child urinates on the floor and the parents tolerate it. It's FUCKING rediculous, especially if it's MY FLOOR.