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Originally Posted by lurkette
Good for you for going out and talking to strangers. The point of the experiment was not that it was going to be a success or a failure - it was for you to be in a deliberately uncomfortable situation, and to just notice (in a mindfulness "noticing" sort of way) your feelings, and to see that there were no "real" negative consequences. You keep talking about these "negative consequences" like they're real things, things you can touch, like a physical wound. Not that feelings and opinions are not real, but they're not "true." And the feelings and thoughts that you are choosing (yes, choosing) to have about your interactions with strangers are not serving you very well. That's all I was trying to convey.
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Ok. Thank you.
I had about a page of rebuttal typed up, but it was just a repetition of what I've been saying, so I see nothing to be gained by posting it.
If it's any consolation, I've been bitchy and moody at home all week long, too. It isn't just the people here I've been taking it out on. I do appreciate the patience and support you've shown me, even if that hasn't been clear from what I've been posting.
It's just . . . I'm here in this place where I know that my being closed off from other people tends to keep me isolated at work and when in public and I don't want to be like this, I don't want to be so closed off from the world, and I don't see any way to get from point A to point B, I don't see any path from where I am to where I want to be, so it's just easier to defend the status quo than to try to fix something that so badly broken.
And now I have this party to go to, and I've never been good at parties. I managed to avoid every single party at my old school in the six plus years I taught there, and now I've managed to let myself be manipulated into actually going to one here, and I don't even work here yet. I wanted to develop a reputation for being a good teacher before I met very many people. I was trying to come up with an excuse not to go, but Grace won't let me; she says that now that I've agreed to go, I need to follow up on my commitment.
And the woman from Friday just popped into my office today and sat down and talked for 20 minutes about nothing but trivia, the party, what I'm wearing, who I've met so far, what did I think of Dr. Departmenthead, etc., and all I can think is that all I did was ask for directions, and wonder why she's doing this, what her motive is.
And stress just keeps piling up on stress and I know that it's all entirely my own doing.
Thank you for your help. It is appreciated, everything from everyone. It wasn't my intention to keep dumping on everyone here, and your patience with me this last week has been more than generous, more than my behavior warranted.
Gilda