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Originally Posted by Cimarron29414
I viewed this encounter as a complete success. While the other participant did most of the reaching out (which, we expected, and that's fine), you walked away from it with a new friend, colleague, ally. Oh, and she was nice to look at - which is never a bad thing. There was no downside to it, good for you!
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But there was. I was uncomfortable to start, and got more so the longer we talked. By the way, the conversation continuted non-stop as we walked to the administative offices, moving on to how I was injured, where I went to school, what the subject of my dissertation was, what it's like teaching middle school, how it was nice to have another woman under 50 in the department, and so forth.
I got where I needed to go, which technically makes this conversation a success, but it was an uncomfortable ride, so to speak. I also managed not to embarrass myself, so that part, too, was a success.
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Suggestions: Next time you see her on campus, say hello and tell her you appreciated her help. Second, compliment her on her nails and inquire as to where she has them done. You need yours done, afterall. Maybe the two of you could get appts. at the same time and strengthen your friendship/alliance?
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Oh, I can assure you without question that that isn't going to happen. One casual encounter with a 20 minute conversation doesn't make us friends or allies. I got the impression she's like this with everyone, that it's just her personality. If this is true, then I really don't want to assume anything further about anything she said to me, or assume a familiarity that isn't really there, and thus risk making her uncomfortable. I did ok with the passive answer questions and not get too aggressive approach that I used, so I think I'll stick with that for now and see where it leads me.
In addition, she didn't know during the conversaion that I'm a lesbian. That will become generally known very soon, specifically Tuesday afternoon when I take Grace to the faculty dinner with me (apparently it's almost as much of a snub not to bring your spouse as it is not to come yourself; strange and alien ways abound here). However, that knowledge tends to color other interactions. I can't compliment another woman on her appearance the way most women do, because there's always the possibility that this will cause offense or be misinterpreted as something other than a casual comment.
And trying to make matching appointments? That's a minefield of potential misinterpretation just waiting to go off.
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Question: While your approach was identical in all three cases, your initial thoughts were very different. In the first two cases, you felt threatened and disengaged as quickly as possible. In the third case, you complied with the subjects suggestions and spent much more time with the individual. So, what was it about the third subject that you allowed yourself to remain engaged with the person?
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Basically, the first two guys told me the directions in the first minute, and this woman made me wait until I'd gone through a good 20 minutes of slow torture in the form of question after questiion.
Gilda