Supple Cow

Nobody "jumped" on Gilda for editing out a bunch of her posts... they only said it was a shame to lose them, which it is. I constantly feel the urge to go back to posts from two, three years ago to delete all the things I said when I was less experienced in the world. But then I would never know how much I have grown.
In the same vein, you have no reason to apologize. You DO have every right to edit your posts the way you see fit as long as they don't break the rules. I think the people who mentioned it just wanted to see the record of your evolution as much as I do.

I hate to say it this way, Gilda, but it actually makes me a little sick to my stomach to read this thread because I am familiar with the feelings you are describing - only my reasons for having felt them were not the same as what I imagine yours to me and that is probably why I don't feel that way very often anymore. (And yes, I still find you quite more than acceptable, even though it doesn't really matter what I think.) What is the feeling? That it's not okay to make mistakes. This sounds really basic and I am fairly certain you've said it to countless middle school students in your lifetime, but I don't think you really believe it yet, so I'll repeat it to you: It's okay to make mistakes.

You are being very analytical about who you are, why you are who you are, and why the people around you behave as they do. But the language you use in this thread (and sometimes in other threads) tells me that you aren't playing by those rules yet. The consequences you perceive at the end of all these potential social interactions betray your fear of messing something up. But you know what? It's okay to make mistakes. So what if you wrote something in the heat of the moment? So what if some random internet stranger in another state or another country reads your posts and doesn't realize what you were going through when you wrote them? So what? Grace and Sissy still love you and you will still be the wonderful person that you are. Hell, even if you spammed the TFP with obscenities and were banned ignominiously, it wouldn't change a damn thing in Grace or Sissy's mind. Your students would still listen to you. You have a safe, if small, network of people who love and/or respect you. You have their love and respect because you earned it.

If you decide to try talking to strangers again anytime soon, I hope you'll humor me and try a different approach, remembering that it's okay to make mistakes. (I know that the whole concept feels like gambling, and you don't strike me as a gambler, but I'm going to use the metaphor anyway.) Try to think of it as a bet placed with a $20 bill you just found instead of $20 of your own hard-earned cash. That way, you can remember that no matter the outcome, you won't come out of the situation any worse off. Who cares if the casino might get $20 richer? You either have a net gain, or you end up right where you started. Not a bad place to be. Grace and Sissy still love you, remember?

Oh yeah, and it's okay to make mistakes.

__________________
"I've missed more than 9000 shots in my career. I've lost almost 300 games. Twenty-six times I've been trusted to take the game winning shot and missed. I've failed over and over and over again in my life. And that is why I succeed."
(Michael Jordan)