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Originally Posted by Cynthetiq
Gilda, it's a shame that you are diminishing this thread by editing your posts.
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I apologize for that. It was selfish. I was trying to make myself feel better, and treated this thread like my journal. It didn't work, for what it's worth.
I was in a bad place at the time, as I had been for a couple of nights, and I felt like I needed to . . . fix something, do something to give myself a sense of control. Grace and Sissy were gone, and I was lonely, and they'd be royally pissed at me if I hurt myself, so I had to have something I could do, some way I could change something about myself that would give me a sense of control. And there were those posts I made and when I read them, I sounded, to myself, like a whiny ten year old insisting that I was right in the face of overwhelming evidence that I was wrong.
It's like, I can't go back to that Denny's and fix things there by leaving a lot earlier than I did now that I realize that that would have been a lot better choice than sitting there for so long doing nothing and beating myself up for it.
But I can go back and fix the things that I kept saying about it, the things that made it seem as if I just wanted to argue my position and not listen to anyone.
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People can see the evolution of your thought process before, the feelings you posted when stressed were how you really felt at that time. Now it's like a husk of itself. It's like you are now embarassed about what you posted since you stated the reason that you "feel foolish" yet when you wrote it, you wrote it with your feelings intact.
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I was embarrassed by what I'd said. I figured that the important stuff was all still there, the advice that lurkette, ratbastid, and pje620, and a couple of others, were giving me still stands, and my repeating the same arguments with them again wasn't adding anything except to make me look foolish and childish and argumentative.
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We aren't judging you, and we haven't been judging you, yet you felt foolish so you altered your posts. We are reading what you are posting and understanding how you are feeling and seeing it firsthand.
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Ok. I'm sorry to have implied otherwise.
Gilda