simivin

Well, as some of you in the Ladies Lounge observed, Cheerycheeks situation is remarkably similar to mine. We are, in fact, the BF/GF in question.

So here we are again -- my GF and I are back together after a 3 or 4 day split. Sarah's (alias under this forum, Beth under the LL forum) integrity is called into question, my integrity is called into question, my loyalty is called into question, and my priorities are called into question. Fair enough; pehaps I have not put in the requisite amount of work to allay any of those concerns.

So Sarah's integrity is called into question. Who is this girl Sarah? Why hasn't she written my girlfriend back? That certainly seems suspicious -- if she was really a great friend of mine, she would have written back by now and save my GF and I the headache we have been going through. You know, I can't say for sure what Sarah's thoughts, motivations, and intentions are -- I'm not in her head. Honestly, however, can you really speak about your husband/wife and know what he/she is thinking? No, you don't. You base so much of it on trust. That's how it is with Sarah and I. I don't know if she's been trying to subvert my relationship, or has ulterior motives -- sure, I guess those are possibilities -- but I feel I know her well enough to trust her not to do that. If she did, if she was lying to me, our friendship would be beyond repair -- at least for a very, very long time. I hate being lied to or manipulated, and it would apply to Sarah too.
Do I think Sarah should have written back already? Sure I do. But I also know that she is still dealing with a BF/ex BF and working through that whole situation. I also know that she is busy and unhappy with work. Or that she says that she hardly talks to any friends at all -- of which I am a rare exception. Ok, does that seem suspicious? Shouldn't she have some time to write back to my GF -- she does go out, and she does talk to me. Yes, she should, and maybe it is supsicious. But it goes back to trust -- I have no reason not to trust Sarah yet, and really, I understand her pespective of how it could be hard to sit down and write a full, well-thought response to a person you don't know and who is already animous towards you; it can be a somewhat daunting task.
Do I believe Sarah is a good person? Yes. Will I defend that, even to my GF? Yes. And I think I have a right to, because she is someone I trust. I've asked my GF to trust me about Sarah, too, but that has been difficult for her to do (which I can understand as well).

Now, my integrity is called into question as well because of this situation. I have felt under attack and under scrutiny because of my relationship with Sarah. Maybe it is deserved, but I don't think so. I am a trustworthy individual, and feel that I deserve such trust. Other than the fact that my GF knows about my past friendship/feelings for Sarah, other than the fact that yes, I do sometimes wonder, I do not think I've done anything to undermine my deserving such trust. So Sarah and I freak danced; so I tried to talk to my GF and emphasize that it wasn't such a big deal, subsequently making it look like I was trying to hide something, even though I just intended to ease her fears about it. So Sarah and I got comments from people. So Sarah and I have joked and talked about how fate has always led us apart. I don't really care; I haven't acted on anything. It shouldn't matter. Do I want trust? Yes. Do I deserve trust? Yes. Have I given any reason to not trust me? No. And no matter what "female instinct" might say, it can be wrong...and maybe that just gets ladies burned in the end, for which I am very sorry, but it would be nice to be innocent until proven guilty. And maybe I am guilty in some peoples' eyes already, but in my eyes, I am not.

As for loyalty, I am and have been loyal to my GF. You could start with the superficial reasons like the fact that I have driven roughly 100 hours to see her this semester, just about every other weekend. I have hardly done anything in town, here, because I've been gone most weekends. I haven't done that for anyone else, including Sarah (oh, and my parents live by Sarah too, so I haven't even seen them that much). Someone in the LL said that I probably made out with Sarah, at least in the days that my GF and I were broken up. Sarah and I have never made out, we didn't do anything over the days I was single, and we didn't even try to set something up. If I was really that interested in messing around with her, I should have waited until after the weekend to get back with my girlfriend. In reality, I wasn't even sure I wanted to date Sarah -- I was hurt, I wanted my GF, I didn't want to rebound and hurt Sarah knowing I still wanted to be with my GF, and didn't even want another serious relationship anyway. Would we date if we were both single? Sure, we probably would. But does that mean anything? Sure, she could be considered a back-up. But she's a friend first; in fact, I've tried to help things between her and her ex. There may be questions and "what ifs" for a long time; fine, but I maintain that that doesn't mean anything unless you act on them.

As for priorities, both Sarah and I have always accepted our role as friends, always accepted that there are or might be other people that are our first priority (and I had already told Sarah that my GF is my first priority). We respect that, and we trust each other to respect that. If Sarah would have tried anything when I saw her two weekends ago, it would have constituted a serious breach of character, trust, and respect, and I would have responded accordingly; likewise, if I had done anything, I would have been extraordinarily disappointed in myself. However, Sarah and our friendship is also a priority to me. It is something important to me -- we've been friends for a long time, through many ups and downs and still support one another. It is something that makes me happy -- now that I have left all my undergrad friends and am at a new college, I have maybe one person here who I would actually consider a friend. So I turn to Sarah in addition to my GF; is that so terrible? And that's why I tried to set my foot down -- why should my closeness matter to my GF? I'm still her BF, I'm with her for a reason, I keep trying things with her, and I have tried to talk to her and make her see/realize/understand this. Should I change my friendship? According to many people, especially the ladies, I should make compromises here. But should I really? Others, including Mal and Shani, accept that men and women can have close friends of the opposite sex. So I finally decided I shouldn't have to compromise. Maybe a wrong decision; maybe misplaced priorities; it all depends on your point of view.

So there is a response to some of the things. Maybe I am just a good boy hurting my GF -- and no matter how hard I try not to, that's still the case. Do I deseve her? Maybe I don't -- I don't appear to understand her perspective nor do I make this compromises in her favor. Maybe the ladies are right, who am I to say? But you know, maybe you are wrong too. I've obviously thought about this a lot, talked about this a lot with my GF (she had already read my posts on TFP, and we had talked about that basically anyway), and try to be open and honest. So take it as you will; there are some additional, if long-winded thoughts.

Sim

PS: Why didn't I tell Sarah to write to my GF? Because I wanted it to come from her. Maybe that was too passive, but I felt that if I had to stick my nose in their business, it might decrease the sincerity. Well, I finally directly asked Sarah to write whatever she wanted -- I guess we'll see where this goes. Ultimately, I just wanted everything -- Sarah, the emails, whatever -- to be a non-issue. Maybe when she does respond (and she will respond honestly), it will help things along.