ratbastid

Well, okay, but that's only a possibility inside the assumption you've made. I don't think you entirely got my point (like you say, it was late), so I'll amplify a bit. I warn you now: I DO like to hear my own (online) voice. If I get pontificating here, I apologize.

There are two ways that people generally react in a situation like that: "It's my fault," or "It's somebody else's fault." Neither is necessarily real productive, and neither is necessarily grounded in reality. Still, we tend to go to one or the other of those two places. You've trained youself to be an "It's my fault, there's something wrong with me" kind of person.

Somebody who typically decides it's somebody else's fault is going to naturally speak up to correct the situation. Somebody who decides it's their fault is going to naturally put their tail between their legs and slink away.

Thing is, when you really look at a situation like that, nobody's really at "fault". More like, everybody shares responsibility. You probably already know that when you sit there concluding that you're being personally shunned, you give off "don't come near me" vibes. Look, maybe your busboy somehow got the impression that all you wanted was tea. Maybe that miscommunication got communicated to your server, who then decided not to bother you. Maybe your SERVER has shyness issues too, and you, being so professional looking and probably seeming so distant by that point, intimidated them to the point that they thought they couldn't come check in on you--something like, "She just came in for some tea, which she has, I'll just look weird or pushy if I ask her if she needs anything else. I'll just leave her alone with her paper." Who knows!

My point is, there's this whole WORLD of reasons why this thing happened that is completely unavailable to you, because your belief that you're personally unworthy prevents you from looking beyond it. That's THE reason for you: you're unacceptable, end of story, so then you quit looking. That belief will argue for its own existence--if you look at your response to my message, you'll hear the belief arguing for its own existence. "Yes, but" is the belief arguing for its own existence.

That belief is from LONG before this Denny's incident. You've probably believed yourself to be unworthy and unacceptable for a long, long time, since you were very young--maybe two or three years old. Something happened to you, and you decided you were unacceptable, and it's colored everything in your life ever since. I'll bet that's driven Grace nuts.

I know this about you because you're a human being and this is what we do. There's nothing personal about it--you're a human being dealing with one of the things that human beings have to deal with. We all think we're unworthy and unacceptable. We all decided that at a very early age--around the age when we realize we're a separate person from everyone around us, and we conclude, in a triumph of 2-year old logic, that "I don't belong". Some people get brave and bold to deal with that. Others get shy.

Shyness by itself isn't a problem until it starts to cause you trouble. If you experience a lack of power or freedom in any situation, or if you feel like you can't be yourself, that's when you're up against the limits of what your shyness can provide you, and it would serve you well to examine the roots of it with an eye toward dismantling them. Don't worry--shyness will always be available for you to fall back on. It's not going anywhere! But it sounds to me like you wish you had a couple more tools in your toolbox.

Incidentally, unless you told us here that you're shy (like you have in this thread, and have hinted at in others), TFP would never have guessed it. You bring personal stuff here and open up with it like nobody I've ever seen. You're more willing to be vulnerable here--and risk our disapproval or rejection--than 99.9% of the members, myself included. So it's not just shyness and privacy. It's something about dealing with that conversation in person, face to face that frightens you.

You'll notice, by the way, that when you do that here, you get an amazing response. Your threads are reliably the most interesting, best discussed, and most open conversations on this whole board, and nobody disapproves of you or finds you unacceptable. My strong belief is that if you generated the courage to open up in your life the way you do here, you'd have the same reaction--people would be drawn to you in person they way they're drawn to you on TFP. But until you explore the roots of your fear, that's pretty much impossible for you, because that early childhood belief will continue to argue for its existence, and it'll "yes but" your courage away.

This got long. I warned you! I hope it helps you see this a different way, hopefully a freer way.