I don't mean to neglect this after I started it, but I've had a rather full Sunday.
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Originally Posted by ratbastid
Gilda, I really got everything you said, but there's one thing I want to point out:
There's a common thread to people who find themselves stopped or inhibited in social situations: they take things personally, and they draw unwarranted conclusions.
You have no idea why you weren't served at Denny's. You've arrived at the conclusion that you were personally unacceptable or unwanted, you seem to assume that your mere presence is offensive to Denny's employees, and that they were deliberately avoiding you. You really actually think you know that, like it's a fact.
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Well, I think I assumed that. I was thinking that there isn't really any good business reason not to serve me, so it must be something personal.
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The fact is, you didn't get service. You think you know why--you believe that it was deliberate and that you were mysteriously "unwanted" for some unknown reason--but the fact is, you have NO IDEA why that happened. Maybe somebody was changing shifts and you were at table at the edge of somebody's area and everyone assumed you were being taken care of. Maybe there was a big party nearby and their server was your server too, but was so focussed on the big table they forgot all their other tables.
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It hadn't occurred to me that servers could just forget to serve a customer, that it might not be malice, but incompetence. That's a bit harsh. Negligence maybe.
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Yes, MAYBE somebody didn't like the looks of you and decided not to serve you until you went away. (Though... you've never worked waiting tables, have you? Every single customer is a valuable opportunity for tips. A server would never deliberately ignore a customer. Oh, and have you looked at you lately? Can you honestly think anybody wouldn't want to have you in their restaurant?)
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The way I was thinking went something like this:
When I first entered the restaurant, my immediate thought was that I was way overdressed for this place. I was wearing a nice business suit (gray pinstripe straight skirt and double breasted blazer, ivory camisole silk blouse, black hose and pumps, gold heart pendant and matching hoop earrings, and a pink ribbon) for a meeting I had later on that day, and most of the people were in jeans and t-shirts, and that made me a little uncomfortable.
I was asked if I wanted to sit at the counter, and declined (the counter is fine for jeans and a t-shirt, not so much in a short skirt). I was shown to a small two person booth just behind the little wall behind the cash register. I waited to be served, and nobody seemed to pay me any attention. The hostess passed by me to seat others several times. A busboy came by and gave me a glass of water and some silverware and took my drink order (Earl Grey tea). Nothing happened for five, ten minutes. I decided to wait a little bit. I read the newspaper I had gotten. The hostess continued to seat other people. I sipped my tea and waited. And waited. And began to wonder why the people who come in after me were being served. I decided to give it a few more minutes. Then a few more. I didn't want to make a scene, and I kept telling myself, well they're busy, they'll get to me in a minute. I started to analyze things, what was the problem here? Is my skirt too short? A straight skirt rides up a lot when you sit down. But what if that's the problem, will the people at the meeting notice? I dismissed that, but set it aside as a possibility. Maybe it's the pink ribbon. But why would people find breast cancer awareness objectionable? It's not like it's a rainbow ribbon? I dismissed this also. Was it my haircut? When I got this cut last month, I was going for a butch look. Do they see that, know that I'm a lesbian, and don't want me here because of that? That's ridiculous, nobody can see that from a haircut. Maybe it's my heels; are they a bit too much? Maybe they think three inch spikes with ankle straps is a bit too much, especially with my skirt riding up? Did I overdo my makeup? I tried to be professional but attractive. Maybe people dressed like I was don't tip well. Maybe they just don't like people who are dining alone for some reason. Maybe it's a combination of factors. And so on. After a half hour of putting it off for another five minutes, I decided that I didn't want to know, and it didn't really matter, so I got up and left.
It really didn't occur to me that it might have been an oversight on their part. And looking back now, I doubt that it would have made a difference had I thought of that as a possibility, because it would have been one of a dozen possible reasons, most of which come back to my being unacceptable in some way. The math still comes down on the side of it being likely that they didn't want me there, a dozen possible reasons why didn't want me vs. they forgot about me.
And thank you for the compliment, but I doubt anyone takes physical attractiveness into account when deciding who or when to serve, and I don't really think that it would make any difference one way or another in my case if they did.
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The issue isn't about forcing yourself to be assertive on top of all your fear--as you say, that's a losing game. The issue is to confront the automatic assumptions and personal conclusions you draw, because those are the SOURCE of your fear. I encourage you to examine those thoughts, and learn to recognize and deal with them and put them to rest every time they arise.
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I think I can see what you're saying. I'm not quite sure how much that would help, though. As I look at it now, even aware that I was making an assumption that I shouldn't have, even if I include the idea that it was an accident or oversight in the list of possibilities along with the personal reasons, it still would mean a confrontation with the possibility of being told I was unacceptable and why.
I'm not dismissing what you say, and I don't mean to be argumentative, I'm just trying to process it and see where it would lead me.
It's late, and I need some rest. I'll try to process this and get to the other comments tomorrow.
Thank you for the imput.
Gilda