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Gilda, I completely understand. There are few things that are less appealing to me than meeting new people. I used to have panic attacks and run to the mailbox and back so nobody would see me. Seems to me there are usually several things going on with people who are, for lack of a better term, pathologically introverted. (That is, not just introverted and happy about it, and not just shy and need to be brought out of their shell, but 1. actively afraid of other people and 2. invested deeply in the reactions of others.)
- Fear of harm - being taken advantage of, being physically hurt. This is a legitimate fear that just needs to be suppressed to some extent in order to operate in the world. Most people have some kind of instinct about this that tells them when they're in danger. It's important to keep that instinct alive without letting it run away with you.
- Fear of judgment/rejection. This is the kicker. I used to be afraid to even ask a clerk in a store where they kept the whatever, and I'd wander around for a half hour rather than just interact with another human being. I don't know what exactly I was afraid of, but it had something to do with being judged and found wanting. Eventually I realized the absurdity of this. 1. who says they're going to judge me badly, and 2. even if they do, who cares? It's not like it has a real consequence. So they think I'm funny-looking, or stupid, or have a big butt, SO WHAT?! In no instance am I at risk of physical harm from them, and everything else is someone's opinion. And I'm the one wandering around the store, wasting my time. If the fashionistas at the bar in a restaurant think my shoes are dowdy, SO WHAT!? If the guy I sit next to at the airport doesn't approve of my taste in books, SO WHAT!? If I ask a dumb question and the guy at the cocktail party thinks I'm boring and dull, SO WHAT?! And that's assuming the worst case, that my fears about being judged negatively are true.
The truth is, everyone walks around like this, afraid of everyone else's judgment. Why do you think they (we) act like they do? Why do you think people wear the clothes they wear, or speak the way they do, or affect a particular stance or attitude? It's all just posturing to keep ourselves safe from other people's judgment, or pretend that we don't care. Those fashionistas are all dressing up for YOU. The friendly outgoing guy in the waiting room is putting on a show for YOU! The cashier who won't smile is posing for YOU!! Judgment is just the flip side of fear. It's an assertion of one's own standards to protect one's own position from another person. And that other person is YOU. They're all afraid of YOU!!! Isn't it funny? We're all just wandering around pretending not to be afraid of each other, and really we are all just putting on a good show trying to protect some little kernel of ourselves from each other's judgment. Meantime, we're stifling our true selves.
The sad part is not that we do this, it's that we do it and pretend we're not doing it. You are a step ahead of the game since you have realized you do this and seem to be uncomfortable with it. That discomfort is just "you" realizing that you're stifling yourself. You're caught between the "script" that is running in all of us to keep us safe from judgment, and the urge to be known in the world for who you really are.
If you're interested in an exercise, go up to 3 strangers and just ask them where a nearby store is. Notice the thoughts that happen in your head while you do it - the fears that come up, the assumptiosn you make about yourself and about them. Then notice what THEY do to protect themselves, to signal that they're okay, or to keep themselves safe - what kind of clothes are they wearing? What does their hair look like? Are they wearing makeup? Jewelry? Do they mumble? Do they make eye contact? What does their body language look like? How do they speak? Do people who look like you (gender, age, race) behave differently than people who are different?
Notice at the end of the exercise that you are still here. Safe.
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"If ten million people believe a foolish thing, it is still a foolish thing."
- Anatole France
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