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Originally Posted by Gilda
Please understand that I'm not dismissing your ideas here. This is just how I deal with stuff like this, bouncing it around, picking it apart and putting it back together so that I can understand how it works and learn to deal with it. I'm not trying to be argumentative and I mean no offense, and I have found your comments helpful, even those with which I disagree.
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Of course not, I did not even think of taking offense. I don't get offended easily, even if the other person is trying to be offensive, so although I don't think you are being argumentative, feel free to be if you want
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I think I qualify on both counts, shy and introverted, which is why I said both in the OP. However you want to define them, the problem is that I have difficulty with social interaction and with asserting myself in difficult situations like the one in the restaurant.
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It doesn't matter how you define things, but it is important that you are definite and clear on these things. For example, you may wish to write out as clear as possible what makes a situation difficult, as this will give insight into what is the real issue. This requires self-honesty, which is hard for all of us, but it is vital.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I don't know "plenty of people", period. Sissy and Grace don't typically do stupid things, at least not when they're around me. When I do see someone do or say something foolish or offensive, I feel sorry for them, and it tends to serve as reinforcement for me to be careful about what I would say or do in a similar situation.
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Oh I dunno. I used to think that I did stupid things a lot more than most people, but when I watched people to see if this really was true I found that people were doing stupid things all the time. No one knows everything and everyone makes wrong decisions sometimes, but not everyone makes a big deal out of it. I've noticed that many people, when they do something stupid, just make a joke out of it or quickly move on. Maybe ask the people you know what they do when they do something stupid. Something else I suggest you do is learn to laugh about past mistakes, or let a friend (that you know face to face) teach you to laugh about those mistakes. This will make you more comfortable with making mistakes. You're human, you can screw up. Learn this.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I'm not giving other people power, I'm just recognizing where the power lies in those situations.
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You misunderstand. Clearly the waitstaff have the power if you are served or not, you can't change that. But you have the power to how you respond to that, you have the power to how it affects you. Does it really matter if you didn't get served? It's disappointing, but ultimately it's not something in any way important.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I'm not sure I agree with you here. If I were more assertive, I'd end up in more situations that I found uncomfortable. If I were stronger, I'd just be encountering that downside more often. This might have the effect of my learning to deal with that better than I do now, but it would still be there.
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I am not saying to be more assertive. I don't want you to put yourself in situations that you can be genuinely hurt. I'm saying don't be more assertive, but instead change
internally to become stronger. This will lead to less sensitivity to the things you fear, the fear will go, and finally the assertiveness will be easily achieved.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
There are two parts here, being more assertive, and not letting the negative stuff that comes from that bother me. The first, in the absense of the second, causes me more harm than good. But if I had that second quality, that of not being concerned about the negative consequences, I wouldn't need to learn the first. And I don't know how to get to that place.
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Yes, this is what I am trying to indicate. Don't try to gain the first without the second, you will just get hurt, and you know this. Instead gain the second.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I understand, but disagree. Because I am concerned with not being embarrassed in public situations, being less shy would cause negatives, not because I choose to be this way, but because this is how I am. It wasn't a choice. I can't just choose not to be embarrassed. If I could, I would. It doesn't work that way.
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I understand. It's not possible to change instantly. However I know you can choose to not be embarrassed - not instantly, but little by little, over time, changing your thoughts. In an embarrassing situation you might get embarrassed, and can't choose not to - but you can think about it later, pick it apart, and realise there was no reason to be embarrassed. If you do this with self-honesty, and reach the point you are truely convinced in the
deepest part of your personality there is no reason to be embarrassed, then you won't be next time a similar situation comes along. This is how you get to the place with the second quality. It takes time, a lot of self-honesty, and it can be painful, as the self-honesty can lead you to accepting things about yourself that are painful to accept. You basically need to reprogram your scripts.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
I do know that I was an acceptable person to eat in that restaurant. Had they served me, I'd have been a polite and undemanding customer and left a generous tip. The problem isn't that I think I was unacceptable or what I think of myself; I know I'm a good customer, the kind of customer waitresses tend to like because I'm polite, make few demands, and tip well. The problem was on their end. They, for whatever reason, didn't want to serve me.
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And, because of the way you think, it affected you. If you change the way you think, you can make it so it doesn't affect you. It doesn't affect other people because they think differently, not because they are magically different in an indefinable way (they aren't). I do not doubt that you can change the way you think. I have changed the way I think, and I have seen many people change the way they think, too. You have more power than you are admitting.
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Originally Posted by Gilda
But then when I look at the situation as it occurred, I can't see anything I could have done that would have gotten me served without inviting negative attention, and I don't know how to reconcile those two ideas.
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The attention would be negative to you, but not to many others who just wouldn't care. You can reconcile the ideas by becoming like them in that way.
I hope that you reach clarity.