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Originally Posted by pje120
Firstly, introversion and shyness aren't necessarily related. Introversion just means more interest in the internal world than the external world. This will be seen as shyness. Basically, introversion is when the person doesn't want to act. Shyness is when the person wants to act, but he/she doesn't (usually because of lack of confidence, anxiety, or internal conflicts). It seems to me you're confused if you want to move past introversion and be a bit more extraverted, but not sure if overcoming the shyness is worth it. Maybe you already see all this, but it's important to be definite.
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I think I qualify on both counts, shy and introverted, which is why I said both in the OP. However you want to define them, the problem is that I have difficulty with social interaction and with asserting myself in difficult situations like the one in the restaurant.
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I hope that you understand that this isn't necessarily an upside. It's only an upside due to your insecurity. If you were more sure of yourself you wouldn't care so much about what people think of you, and doing something stupid wouldn't affect you so much. Everyone does stupid things sometimes. I'm sure you know plenty of people who do stupid things all the time and don't let it get to them.
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I don't know "plenty of people", period. Sissy and Grace don't typically do stupid things, at least not when they're around me. When I do see someone do or say something foolish or offensive, I feel sorry for them, and it tends to serve as reinforcement for me to be careful about what I would say or do in a similar situation.
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Think about what is happening: you want to do something, but fear what *other people* think of you if you do it. You are letting *them* choose what you do, giving them the power. Is this what you want? Or would you rather do what you want to do?
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I do this in situations where I have little to no power. Take the situations I described above. In the restaurant, the waitstaff had the power to decide whether to serve me or not. I can't make them serve me if they've chosen not to. If I want to go out with a pretty girl and ask her out, she's the one with the power, the one who decides whether we do actually go out on a date.
I'm not giving other people power, I'm just recognizing where the power lies in those situations.
I do assert myself, or at least I assert myself more, in situations where I'm the one with the power, my classroom and my home, or at least moreso than I do in a public place or in a social situation.
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Again, it's a downside because of internal reasons. If you change yourself (become stronger) then the downside is gone, and only the upside is there. I really hope that you understand that, since I think you'll be much clearer on what you want to do if you see that.
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I'm not sure I agree with you here. If I were more assertive, I'd end up in more situations that I found uncomfortable. If I were stronger, I'd just be encountering that downside more often. This
might have the effect of my learning to deal with that better than I do now, but it would still be there.
There are two parts here, being more assertive, and not letting the negative stuff that comes from that bother me. The first, in the absense of the second, causes me more harm than good. But if I had that second quality, that of not being concerned about the negative consequences, I wouldn't need to learn the first. And I don't know how to get to that place.
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Negative stuff happening is no big deal -- it's only if you let it affect you, that's bad. Other people are less shy because they don't let those things affect them, and therefore they are less fearful of them.
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I understand, and I agree that people who aren't shy don't let things like this affect them, because they aren't as fearful. That doesn't change the fact that I am shy, and I am concerned with how others see me in a public situation. If it were a choice, I might choose differently. I don't know.
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Yes, it seems obvious to me too. You are letting other people decide the power. You act with confidence when you know other people will perceive you as confident; you act with shyness when you feel other people might perceive you as a dork (or whatever).
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I am a dork, nerd, dweeb, geek, whatever term you want to use. I always have been. In my classroom or at home, that doesn't matter because the people in those situations don't care that I'm a socially awkward introvert, because that's irrelevant to those situations. It's different in a public place or at a party or other social situation.
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You keep talking as if being less shy will cause negative things to happen to you, but the things aren't negative in themselves; they are only bad if you let them get to you. You can choose to be embarrassed or not if the restaurant doesn't want you. Well, maybe not, but you can work up to it as you gain self-confidence.
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I understand, but disagree. Because I am concerned with not being embarrassed in public situations, being less shy would cause negatives, not because I choose to be this way, but because this is how I am. It wasn't a choice. I can't just choose not to be embarrassed. If I could, I would. It doesn't work that way.
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You are a different person, but the differences you are referring to in your post are restricting differences that you will be happier without (too easily influenced by other people's opinions of you).
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You might be right. On the other hand, sometimes restrictions protect us from harm.
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If you aren't sure you want to be less shy then don't try to be. You can't become more assertive without the motivation to change and right now you don't, so don't bother. I suggest work on your self-confidence: when this builds up, you will be less fearful of confrontation/embarrassment etc. and overcoming shyness will be much more attractive. Then you can use that motivation to do that. Build your self-confidence by learning more about yourself, and becoming confidence on who you are (and who you aren't). When you are confidence about who you are, you will be less concerned if people disagree with those conclusions. (Example: If you are confident that you are an acceptable person worthy of eating in that restaurant, you won't be hurt by people thinking you aren't; you'll just see that it says something about them, not you.)
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I do know that I was an acceptable person to eat in that restaurant. Had they served me, I'd have been a polite and undemanding customer and left a generous tip. The problem isn't that
I think I was unacceptable or what I think of myself; I know I'm a good customer, the kind of customer waitresses tend to like because I'm polite, make few demands, and tip well. The problem was on their end. They, for whatever reason, didn't want to serve me.
As for the rest, you're right, I'm not sure I want to be less shy. Logically, the negatives outweigh the positives, at least in individual situations. But then I look at Sissy and Grace and see that, for example, in the restaurant situation, they'd have made sure we got served and been able to do so without a fuss, and I'd like to be able to do that. But then when I look at the situation as it occurred, I can't see anything I could have done that would have gotten me served without inviting negative attention, and I don't know how to reconcile those two ideas.
Please understand that I'm not dismissing your ideas here. This is just how I deal with stuff like this, bouncing it around, picking it apart and putting it back together so that I can understand how it works and learn to deal with it. I'm not trying to be argumentative and I mean no offense, and I have found your comments helpful, even those with which I disagree.
Gilda
edit: Ratbastid, I just read your response. I hadn't thought of that. I'll have to think about it. I'm tired now, but I'll try to respond tomorrow.