Gilda, I really got everything you said, but there's one thing I want to point out:
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Originally Posted by Gilda
Being an introvert in a public place works the same way. While driving cross country recently, I stopped at a Denny's and was promptly ignored for half an hour. I left without comment and ate at the MacDonald's next door. Downside: I wasted half an hour waiting to be served. Upside: I didn't give my business to a restaurant where, for whatever reason, I wasn't wanted. Another upside: I didn't have to confront them and find out why they didn't want me there, thus being embarrassed at being told directly why I was unacceptable. Was it the way I was dressed, or how I acted, what? On the one hand, it would be nice to know so that I could avoid doing whatever it was that made me unwanted th enext time I was in a restaurant and get good service, but on the other hand, it would be embarrassing to be told directly why I was unacceptable. So just leaving and not returning without confrontation has a bigger upside than the alternative.
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There's a common thread to people who find themselves stopped or inhibited in social situations: they take things personally, and they draw unwarranted conclusions.
You have no idea why you weren't served at Denny's. You've arrived at the conclusion that you were personally unacceptable or unwanted, you seem to assume that your mere presence is offensive to Denny's employees, and that they were deliberately avoiding you. You really actually think you know that, like it's a fact.
The fact is, you didn't get service. You think you know why--you believe that it was deliberate and that you were mysteriously "unwanted" for some unknown reason--but the fact is, you have NO IDEA why that happened. Maybe somebody was changing shifts and you were at table at the edge of somebody's area and everyone assumed you were being taken care of. Maybe there was a big party nearby and their server was your server too, but was so focussed on the big table they forgot all their other tables. Yes, MAYBE somebody didn't like the looks of you and decided not to serve you until you went away. (Though... you've never worked waiting tables, have you? Every single customer is a valuable opportunity for tips. A server would never deliberately ignore a customer. Oh, and have you looked at you lately? Can you honestly think anybody wouldn't want to have you in their restaurant?)
The issue isn't about forcing yourself to be assertive on top of all your fear--as you say, that's a losing game. The issue is to confront the automatic assumptions and personal conclusions you draw, because those are the SOURCE of your fear. I encourage you to examine those thoughts, and learn to recognize and deal with them and put them to rest every time they arise.