|
I *really* like the first two, especially. The first one, I *feel*. How often have I heard the scratching, scratching of a mouse, shuddering to imagine myself sheltering the beast, and yet feeling sick when I cause life to be struck from it's body.
The second one, I *am* (heh heh). I love the ending with Dead Sea Scrolls, and how just them being ancient imparts a sense of importance to the writing, never mind the actual content.
Regarding the third poem, I do understand the usage of King's English (King James). I think if you use a bit more biblical sentence structure in the third stanza
for example:
Eat not of my forbidden fruit,
or mortal I shall strike thee, and thou wilt die.
Not certain if you intend to strike someone with mortality, or if you will strike the mortal with a killing blow.
What would you think of "Thou wilt fail" rather than "die"?
Since neither Adam nor Eve died as an immediate, direct result of eating the forbidden fruit?
Oh, and the corn maze bit. I was wondering if you were alluding to maize?
ahhh, I hope I'm not being too "helpful" here...I'm an editor, and this comes naturally to me. I really, truely do enjoy your work.
__________________
"Love is a snowmobile racing across the tundra and then suddenly it flips over, pinning you underneath.
At night, the ice weasels come." -
Matt Groening
My goal? To fulfill my potential.
|