simivin

Everyone's been very kind and helpful, but especially you, Abaya. I am slogging through a vast amount of confusion here, which makes it so tough -- if it was clear cut "I love her and want to be with her" or "something's wrong, it's time to move on", I probably wouldn't be here posting.

I feel that my GF is -- or should be (remember, I've been confused over the last couple weeks as all this built up, so things became more opaque than they should have been...part of the problem) -- my best friend. She knows me far, far better than anyone else. We have a myriad of similar interests -- we love the outdoors, the same activities, same amount of going out or staying in, are intelligent, caring people, and want to make each other happy (although she has been better at that than me, unfortunately). Furthermore, we also match extraordinarily well sexually -- she is (was) willing to do anything, basically, as was I. The only real difference is that she has had a number of other partners, and she has been my only one.

After talking on here, and also talking to someone in my grad school dept (who is a very frank and honest woman), I think I'm starting to get a bead on what my problem has been with my GF. Yes, we may have started off on the too fast and thus on the wrong foot, yes Sarah has been an issue, but I don't think my problems stem wholly from that. I think the root of it is a fear of commitment, heightened by a number of factors. Let me explain.

Before my GF, I had been single for most of 2 years and I sincerely felt I was ready for a long term relationship; I knew what I wanted and what type of person I was looking for (which my ex matches very very well). I had dated here and there, but nothing really serious, and messed around with a few girls, but not many. Furthermore, I went to a military school, so the discipline was restrictive, it was time-consuming, and prohibitive to living a "regular" college life. I start dating my GF and have sex for the first time, but I was self-conscious about waiting so long and being so inexperienced, I thought about the fact that she has more experience than me, etc. I think somewhat common feelings. Then I go off to a civilian college for grad school, going through a huge transition in my life, etc. My GF accompanied me on a lot of it and has been a big supporter of me, and my future, so there was nothing wrong in that sense. She really matches everything I'd want in a spouse -- from the friendship, to the love, to the loyalty, companionship, sex, cooking, you name it.

And I think that's why I've had issues with her, why I've been anxious, why I've maybe considered Sarah more than I should have (when I was in such a great relationship). Because I'm scared of that commitment. I'm 22 years old, and this is "marriage material." Here is a girl who is great for me, and well, that's it. Whoa. And since it scares me, it's kept me from seeing her for who she is and for appreciating her and what we have. Add on to that that I kind of feel that it isn't fair that she's had past sex partners and I haven't (not because of a lusting desire, but from more of a life-experience perspective), that I feel like I've been cooped-up the last few years, that I've become far more outgoing the last year or two, that I haven't dated around much, that I've missed some growing up, etc, and it seems reasonable why I've felt uncomfortable when I shouldn't. Hence, I felt uncomfortable, so I was more sensitive, judgmental, critical, and not as great a boyfriend as I should have been and am capable of. I know we should take things a little slower and more relaxed (we realize that's part of our problem), but it is hard. We tried backing off before, but it didn't really help; I think it's just the nature of our relationship, in some sense.

And that's why it's so tough, Abaya. It isn't clear cut. I think I know the problem lies with myself, and I want to fix it, but I'm not sure how best to do that without throwing away a great girl and someone I want to see something happen with. Sure, I can date around, but I just tossed my girlfriend away and, in her mind, she may never let me back in. I can stay with her, but risk being uncertain still and thus not be fair to her. I can try to sleep with a girl in the next few weeks -- to get that experience "under my belt" and exorcise that "demon" -- but I've never been that kind of guy and I can't be certain that would solve the problem. Or, so as not to thread-jack completely, perhaps this is about Sarah and I just don't know it (or let myself realize it). Who knows, although I think more of the former.

My GF even has even said it -- if we had met 5-10 years down the road, with all these issues worked out, we wouldn't have any problems. I've thought that -- as adolescent as it may sound -- if I had had sex with a girl I met a month before my GF (who, ironically, didn't want to have sex with me b/c I was a virgin), I wouldn't have had the same anxiety issues and likely not the same commitment issues.

So, recommendations on what to do? I miss my GF. I want to make myself right. I want to be with her and have more confidence in myself, and in myself in the relationship. Maybe we wouldn't work out, but we haven't had a very good shot yet, I don't think -- but it's not fair of me to go back to her with all these personal issues myself (none of which I thought existed before this relationship). Any suggestions? Or any other comments/insight?

Gracias,
Sim