Tilted Forum Project Discussion Community - View Single Post - Non-physical "what is too far" cheating question

simivin · 11-09-2005, 04:23 PM

Thanks for the honesty, Abaya. I know I'm a jackass with all of this. I've felt horribly about everything, because my own problems/confusion has led to everything and to my GF's heartbreak. It's sad, because I really did try to be the good boyfriend; I did try to be her knight in shining armor, etc.

Yes, maybe there is something un-platonic with Sarah; I don't know for sure. Sure, now I can date Sarah. For the reasons you said, I'm partly of the mind to -- even though that will make my (ex) GF think that's what our breaking up was about (though I sincerely don't think so). I could get the curiosity out of the way, we could explore our feelings and enjoy some of the excitement that always brings, and who knows, maybe we are right for each other. Other people have thought so.

Part of my problem, from my last serious relationship a few years ago, is that I am far, far too critical. I see so much good in so many people, but as soon as I get close to someone, I have tended to dwell on the negatives. I hate this, and it certainly wasn't fair to my girlfriend. And really, it might be exactly the same with Sarah (which is kind of what my GF and I thought, once I had seen her). It would put her in a realistic perspective, rather than what my GF and I, through our fights and problems, had made her out to be. And it basically did.

But, right now, I wish I could go back three days ago and be more patient with my GF. I wish I had been more forgiving and tolerant of what she was going through. I wish I had given things more time to see how we really are without Sarah being the issue that she was; maybe my GF would have been over it now. I wish I had been encouraging and accepted her behavior rather than blame her for it. I tried to think about things; I tried to step back objectively and consider how I had been feeling, how unhappy I had been in the relationship, and the chance for improvement; I had talked to my parents. And in the end, that's what I thought was right. And now, I regret it. Maybe things wouldn't have improved, but I think they would have. Maybe my feelings for my GF would have been too damaged, but maybe not. If I had to pick right now, I would pick my GF over Sarah.

And you are right about giving her credit. In retrospect, I know I didn't do a very good job of reassuring her. While I think that her pressure did escalate things, that is no excuse for me failing to do a better job. I'll certainly raise my hand and accept responsibility.

So now I don't know what to do. I want to be back with my GF, but it's not fair to her, not with everything that's gone on, and with my own problems. I want to give her everything she wants, but I don't know if I can -- whether because I cannot, or because I lack confidence at this point. That probably means I shouldn't date her, at the very least for her sake -- because I don't deserve her. So maybe I should date Sarah, even I'm not strongly inclined to, but I have the opportunity to see where it goes.

*Sigh*. And to think I used to pride myself on being the "simple man" who only needed love to be happy. What a wretched state I feel I am in; how far I feel I have fallen.

11-09-2005, 04:23 PM	#54 (permalink)
simivin Banned	Thanks for the honesty, Abaya. I know I'm a jackass with all of this. I've felt horribly about everything, because my own problems/confusion has led to everything and to my GF's heartbreak. It's sad, because I really did try to be the good boyfriend; I did try to be her knight in shining armor, etc. Yes, maybe there is something un-platonic with Sarah; I don't know for sure. Sure, now I can date Sarah. For the reasons you said, I'm partly of the mind to -- even though that will make my (ex) GF think that's what our breaking up was about (though I sincerely don't think so). I could get the curiosity out of the way, we could explore our feelings and enjoy some of the excitement that always brings, and who knows, maybe we are right for each other. Other people have thought so. Part of my problem, from my last serious relationship a few years ago, is that I am far, far too critical. I see so much good in so many people, but as soon as I get close to someone, I have tended to dwell on the negatives. I hate this, and it certainly wasn't fair to my girlfriend. And really, it might be exactly the same with Sarah (which is kind of what my GF and I thought, once I had seen her). It would put her in a realistic perspective, rather than what my GF and I, through our fights and problems, had made her out to be. And it basically did. But, right now, I wish I could go back three days ago and be more patient with my GF. I wish I had been more forgiving and tolerant of what she was going through. I wish I had given things more time to see how we really are without Sarah being the issue that she was; maybe my GF would have been over it now. I wish I had been encouraging and accepted her behavior rather than blame her for it. I tried to think about things; I tried to step back objectively and consider how I had been feeling, how unhappy I had been in the relationship, and the chance for improvement; I had talked to my parents. And in the end, that's what I thought was right. And now, I regret it. Maybe things wouldn't have improved, but I think they would have. Maybe my feelings for my GF would have been too damaged, but maybe not. If I had to pick right now, I would pick my GF over Sarah. And you are right about giving her credit. In retrospect, I know I didn't do a very good job of reassuring her. While I think that her pressure did escalate things, that is no excuse for me failing to do a better job. I'll certainly raise my hand and accept responsibility. So now I don't know what to do. I want to be back with my GF, but it's not fair to her, not with everything that's gone on, and with my own problems. I want to give her everything she wants, but I don't know if I can -- whether because I cannot, or because I lack confidence at this point. That probably means I shouldn't date her, at the very least for her sake -- because I don't deserve her. So maybe I should date Sarah, even I'm not strongly inclined to, but I have the opportunity to see where it goes. Sigh. And to think I used to pride myself on being the "simple man" who only needed love to be happy. What a wretched state I feel I am in; how far I feel I have fallen.