Gilda

My face was painted with exaggerated stage makeup sure to shock anyone I might ask for help. Sure to draw attention when I needed to go unnoticed in this place. I was in what passed for Nashville's ghetto. In my pocket was a fat roll of 20 dollar bills and beside me lay a piece of jewelry bigger than my head . . . There was a phone about a block away, and I walked with a tired expression that I hoped said, "I really don't want to be bothered with kickin' your ass."

Calpernia Addams

That quote just seemed relevant to this discussion somehow.

That's pretty much Sissy's take on it. I rely so heavily on Grace for protection that it limits me in being able to be assertive on my own. I don't deny this, but I also don't see anything wrong with it. That's the way the adult world works; when you aren't able to do something for yourself, you find someone who can do it to do it for you. That's one of the principles civilization is built on, division of labor. We have soldiers and police to provide protection for us as a society. We have parents to do the same as children. I have Grace to do that for me as an individual. I don't see how that's a bad thing.

Grace can't cook and hates housework, so I do that for her, and because of this, she's never really learned how and posesses no desire. Nor does she need to; she has me for that. We complement each other. That's not co-dependancy, that's a healthy relationship based on trust and respect.

Thank you.

It makes perfect sense to me. Being shy and introverted has just as many benefits as it does problems. I can't tell you how many girls I was attracted two after I came to accept that I was gay that I never tried to ask out. Because I was too shy to do anything about it, too scared of being embarrassed by hitting on a straight girl, I was saved the embarrassment and awkwardness of doing and saying something embarassing. Being scared of social interaction kept me from going to lesbian bars alone, which is why I was alone and available when Grace and I found each other.

Being introverted means avoiding risks. Avoid the risk, avoid the negative consequences. True, it also means avoiding the rewards, but in my experience it's a good tradeoff. Avoid conflict and you avoid getting hurt. It's a simple equation.

You don't know enough about my family to make judgements regarding how my lack of assertiveness affects them. Yes, I'm submissive, but, and I understand that this may be difficult to understand, I like it that way. I like having a strong person to take care of and protect me, to make the important decisions on our behalf. This is the kind of relationship I want, the kind of relationship in which I'm happiest.

Second, I have access to defense training right here at home should I desire to take advantage of it. I don't. I'd much, much rather avoid the physical confrontation than be involved in one. Being hit is one of my very least favorite things in the world, and I've been hit often enough to know that it's something I never, ever want to experience again under any circumstances.

Experience has shown me that a physical confrontation means getting hurt. Fighting back against a man larger than I am means getting hurt worse. If I can flee a physical confrontation, I will.

I'm conditioning myself? I'm merely being realistic. I've been in enough physical confrontations that I know exactly how confronting a man physically will turn out before it even begins. Taking precautions to avoid and prevent that seems a resonable and realistic assessment of my abilities.

I can go out with my wife and/or sister and enjoy activities together.

I'm a fully participating member of society. I've been a middle school teacher and will begin teaching at the university level this January. I've given presentations at teaching conferences and couseled gay teenagers. To imply that a lack of assertiveness in social and physical situations somehow makes me a lesser member of society borders on insult.

Of course you're going to encounter people you don't want to. This doesn't mean that a confrontation with them is inevitable. It's often quite easy to avoid the confrontation, to walk away, to refuse to participate, and if a confrontation does occur, it needn't escalate to a physical confrontation.

Utter nonsense. In addition to common sense prevention measures, like parking in well lit areas, having my groceries carried out and loaded for me, not going to clubs by myself, I can go out with protection in the form of my wife, something I do quite frequently, and have her protection. I can go out with my sister, and though she'd be no better off in a fight than I would, numbers provide us with protection.

And there's nothing wrong with just being more comfortable at home than out. It's just how some of us are wired.

Gilda

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