Cyn, is right. Thinking these dark thoughts and wondering why things are the way they are...well, I can't imagine that it's going to help in any way.
To delve into the darker part of your soul right now, feeling as helpless as you do, I imagine is uncommonly easy, but it isn't going to do a bit of good. As much as you might want to examine the meanings, motives and what-might-have-been(s), you really shouldn't. It's just going to lead you down to a very dark place. A place you probably shouldn't be exploring right now. You've got to push that all away, at least, temporarily to focus on getting better, as trite as that sounds.
I imagine it's going to be difficult, but it sounds like you've got a fabulous group of people determined to get you back on your feet again. Not to mention a passel of people here on the board who are happy that that little button on the dashboard didn't do you in.
Get well, Gilda.